Becoming Whole Again

Infertility was the thing that pushed me over the edge. I blamed it for so many things.

Over the 7 years that were spent creating my family, it slowly chipped away at, and eroded my self-esteem, my sense of self-worth, my purpose, and my spirit. 

After so many negative pregnancy tests that I lost count, hundreds of needles through IVF cycles, way too many invasive operations, failed cycles, lost embryo’s, pregnancy losses. It left me raw, bloody and bruised.

But what I didn’t realise was that those scars, those doubts, those fears, were already present. They were just lurking below the surface. Lying dormant, like a volcano just waiting to erupt.

And when infertility came along, it all exploded. It brought all of my existing insecurities and past traumas to the surface. It created cracks in my exterior, and shone a light on the things that were already broken.

Over the past 6 months I’ve been working on a beautiful collaborative project and walking a path of healing with 9 other amazing women. I’m finally ready to share this with you, and start this much needed conversation. Because I feel like we’ve been skirting around the edges of it for quite some time. And it’s time to start speaking our truth, no matter how hard it may be.

At the heart of every single conversation I have with my clients or the infertility community, there is one golden thread. Our sense of self-worth. Infertility or pregnancy loss has a way of diving straight down, grabbing your confidence and sense of self in its tightly scrunched fist, and squeezing the life out of it. We blame our current circumstances, but it goes much deeper than that.

Body image.

Talk to any woman, and ask her what she loves about her body, and you may be waiting a while. Ask her what she’d like to change, and you’ll have a long list of items. For our whole life we have been brainwashed into thinking that we have to look a certain way in order to be loved or accepted. We have also been misled by medical practitioners and the “health” industry, telling us that we need to be a certain weight in order to be healthy, or have a baby.

I have struggled my whole life with the way my body looks. As a dancer, I was taught at a young age, that I had to be a certain “build” to be successful and beautiful. Your body is scrutinised and seemingly innocent comments create scars. You’re complimented when you lose weight. I remember receiving the most praise when I was doing things that were not heathy to my body. But because I was thin, no one questioned it.

For 47 years, I have controlled the way my body looks, by manipulating my diet and through exercise. I have never been overweight (whatever that means), but no matter how much I weigh, or how toned my body has been, it has always been a source of disappointment. Because the goal I have been aiming for is impossible. It doesn’t even exist, because it’s a marketing ploy by companies designed to make money from the fact that I will never be happy.

So, when infertility and pregnancy loss came along, the insecurities I already felt, came bubbling to the surface. I had already been brainwashed into distrusting my body and taught to control it. So, when I struggled to get and stay pregnant, I felt it had let me down, yet again. But the truth is, that I was already drawing my sense of self-worth from the way my body looked and behaved. I had already developed that habit of controlling it. It was just the thing that pushed me over the edge.

Sex.

Trying to have a baby will be fun, they said. Sex on tap, they laughed. Until it’s not. After 6 months of trying to conceive and failing at it, sex became a source of tension in my husband and my relationship. There was resistance, struggle, and arguments over it. I felt rejected, and like a failure in the bedroom.

Sex sells, right? So, we’re led to believe that everyone is having multiple orgasms, they’re having sex 3 times per week, and they have a healthy libido i.e. they actually want to have sex. And if we’re not, there is something wrong with us.

But what happens when you’ve been cheated on or betrayed, and have insecurity issues? What happens when you’ve experienced, or someone close to you has experienced sexual trauma? What if you were taught from a young age that your own sexual pleasure was something to be ashamed of?

Well, this was me. This was my experience before infertility entered my life. The topic of sex is an absolute minefield. The only bench mark I had to compare what was “normal” when I was growing up, were the sex quizzes in Dolly Magazine. And it was all a lie!! Did you know that 75% of women rarely, or never orgasm during intercourse? Yet we’re led to believe that there is something wrong with us, and that we’re broken and need to be fixed.

I blamed infertility for all the insecurities I felt with regard to sex. But the truth is, they were there well before infertility came along. The damage was lurking beneath the surface, due to years of betrayal, manipulation, lies, trauma, and fear.

For a lot of us, we don’t feel safe in our bodies. And why would we?

Love, belonging and acceptance.

Love and belonging are basic human needs. But in the world we are living in, it comes with a condition attached. You will be loved and admired if you fall in line, if you put other people’s needs in front of your own, or if you achieve great things.

Recently I was watching the Barbie movie, and I almost stood up, fist pumped into the air and screamed YEEESSSS!! when I heard America Ferrera make this speech in the movie. She says……

“It is impossible to be a woman. We have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin, you have to say you want to be healthy. But also, you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money – because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but "don’t talk about your kids all the damn time". You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behaviour, which is insane – but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much, or that you threaten other women, because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out. And always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that, but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard, it’s too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal, or says thank you. And it turns out in fact that not only are we doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.”

We already have all of this pressure on us, so when infertility and pregnancy loss comes along, you guessed it – it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. We cannot hold any more. And because society says that to have value or fit in, you must have children, or you must have 2.5 children, we feel left out and unworthy. We’re sitting on the outside, looking in.

In order to be accepted or feel loved or worthy of love, we twist ourselves in knots to become who we’re told we’re supposed to be. And after years of this, it chips away at us. We become a shell of our former selves. Ask us what makes us happy, and we’re so far removed from it, that we have no idea. So we blame ourselves. But we’re not the problem. The system is the problem. Our environment is the problem. Generational trauma is the problem. It’s not yours to hold, nor has it ever been.

Over the last 6 months I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have broken apart, and pulled myself back together over and over again. There have been realisations, anger, relief, disbelief, and forgiveness. I have uncovered the real reason WHY infertility, pregnancy loss, and pregnancy after loss broke me apart.

It’s because I was carrying shit that did not belong to me.

And I have no doubt that you are too. So, what can we do about it?

Let’s start the conversation. The real conversation that we’ve all been dying to have, but are too scared of saying out loud for fear of being shut down, judged, or discovering that there is something inherently wrong with us (there isn’t btw).  

Alongside 9 other women, we are sharing our stories and our truth with you via a divinely created and completely immersive book. So you don’t feel alone in your grief and pain. And while all our stories are different, it all comes from the same core issues. Worthiness.

What you’re experiencing right now is not your fault, but the healing is your responsibility. We are responsible for ensuring that the cycle is not repeated in our life, and the lives of those around us, or who come after us.

If you’d like to be part of this conversation and start your REAL healing journey, you can join us on our path to BECOMING WHOLE AGAIN.

To find out more head HERE.