The awakening after being consumed by infertility

I’m not sure exactly when it was that I opened my eyes and finally saw where I was.  Consumed. Living the same day over and over again.  Floating and directionless.  Satisfied, but not excited for life.  Getting up when the alarm went off, but not a minute before. Going through the motions.

Gradually this AWARENESS settled over me.  Perhaps it was a mid-life crisis, or as I like to call it, a mid-life revelation.

For the next 2 years I stumbled around, searching for the thing that would make me excited to wake up each day.  More commonly referred to as PURPOSE.

I struggled with the idea of wanting more, because I felt guilty and ungrateful.  Here I was with two beautiful children I had worked my ass off to conceive, a great husband, a beautiful house, a stable well-paying job and awesome friends and family. 

On the outside I was living the dream.  But inside I was bored, empty, dull……..FINE. That’s exactly what it was.  I was FINE. And now I wasn’t satisfied with FINE.  I wanted more.  I wanted to wake up each day and bounce out of bed excited to start the day.  I wanted to be clear on where I was headed and make an impact.  I wanted to set an example for my children that they could be whoever they wanted to be – and I wanted them to be proud of me.

Wanting MORE is our birth right.  Making it happen is our responsibility.

Waking up from FINE, while it took me almost 40 years, and realizing that I wanted more was the easy part.  

What I discovered in my search for Purpose, was that in those 40 years I had lost ME.  If you had asked me who I was, I’d tell you that I was a mum, a wife, an accountant, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  But beyond the roles I was playing I had no idea what I liked to do, what my favourite food/colour/movie was, and what I stood for.  I didn’t have anything I was passionate about or that motivated me.

Now life was filled with chores, an endless to-do list and responsibilities. 

So when did life become so serious?  For me, it all changed 10 years ago when my husband and I decided to have a baby.  All of a sudden, my axis shifted.  My purpose was to have baby and over the next 7 years I became completely consumed by everything fertility related. 

It consumed my time with the endless appointments and research to find the answer to that dreaded question “why is this happening to me?”.  We re-organized our life around my cycle, put holidays on hold, I stayed in a job that was sucking the life out of me way too long because they provided maternity benefits.

I was consumed by fear.  What if this doesn’t happen? What if it does?  I felt weak, which I really hated.  I was at the mercy of my emotions and they were driving me every single day.  I was no longer in control – they were.  So I contracted.  I shrunk. 

Today, fear is all around us.  The world has changed as a result of the Coronavirus and we're fighting amongst ourselves.  

We are choosing to act from a place of fear.  And when we get consumed by our fears, all rational thoughts get thrown out the window. Life gets filled with drama and negativity, like an addition.  The more we focus on our fears, the more they multiply.

Letting go of my fears and leaning into love has been one of the most empowering and relieving experiences on my journey.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have them come up.  But I’m aware of them, and I don’t allow them to drive my decisions anymore.

But more than anything, infertility consumed my thoughts. “I’m not good enough.” “Maybe this is a sign that I’ll be a terrible mother.”

Our mind is one of the most powerful tools at our disposal.  Correction – it is THE most powerful tool.  It can also be bloody mean. Which is scary - because that much power really should require a licence.

Our thoughts drive our emotions, which drive our actions, which drive our results.  So, if we’re not getting the result we want, we need to go back to our thoughts.

It was a complete wake-up call knowing that the reason I spent so many years of my life consumed by sadness, frustration and anger was because of what was going on inside my head.  AND it was devastating thinking that I had the power to change it all along.

After 7 years on the fertility rollercoaster, we started living our happily ever after. But what I discovered is that the bad habits I’d started while on my fertility journey didn’t stop.  In fact, they became worse.  Once again I pushed down my emotions, I put someone else’s needs in front of my own, and I had even more responsibility now.  I was a MUM!

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Fast forward 2 years from my awakening / unravelling / mid-life crisis……..

This morning my daughter Sophie climbed into our bed at 4.48am.  I gave her a cuddle and then rolled out of bed to start my day.  I made myself a cup of tea and read a chapter from my book.  After I dropped Luca and Sophie to school, I went to a coffee shop and did some brainstorming for this blog.  Then I came home, changed back into my pyjama pants and slippers (because why not?) and set about writing.

I now coach women on how they can create healthy habits while on their fertility journey.  How they can build a life that they love right now by discovering who they are, where they’re going, and what their purpose is (outside of motherhood).

THIS is a life I have created for myself.

I am living proof that it is never too late to hit the reset button. 

It all starts with AWARENESS.

Awareness of who we are.

Awareness of our thoughts.

Awareness of our fears.

Awareness that we get to choose.

AWARENESS also happens to be the second step in the 5 step process I created as part of my personal coaching practice.  It’s the path I travelled down and followed in order to reclaim my own life back.

If you'd like to know more about how you can reclaim your life and work with me, send me a message here.