How do you stop blaming yourself for your fertility struggles?

Why, as women, do we take on so much guilt and responsibility for our fertility journey and the fact that we struggle?

Despite my husband having sub-par sperm (our fertility specialist’s words, not mine), I still took all the blame for when we didn’t get many embryos at the end of a cycle.  I’d say to myself - If I could have just produced more eggs or better-quality eggs, maybe we wouldn’t be in this position? Is it because I had that glass of wine, or didn’t eat more pineapple?  Or maybe it’s because I wasn’t feeling positive or hopeful?

And after our miscarriage it was even worse. I felt completely responsible.  It was my body after all, so it was all my fault.

We take responsibility, regardless of knowing that it takes an egg and sperm to create a baby. It doesn’t matter what the root cause of the issue is, we take on the burden anyway.

Because as women, we feel that we are responsible for the making of the baby.  That’s what our bodies were created to do, right?  Our reproductive system, our monthly cycle, our hips were made for birthing, our breasts for nourishing.  We are designed baby makers, so when something goes wrong, we automatically assume it’s because we’re broken.

It goes deep into our worthiness as a woman, a wife, and a mother.

And we don’t just take responsibility, we punish ourselves. 

The horrible, self-limiting beliefs and thoughts that go through our head, we would never say them out loud or to anyone else.  But they slip off our tongue so easily.  And the longer we’re on this journey, the more the thoughts grow and get louder.

So how do you stop? 

How do you stop punishing yourself and feeling guilty?

How do you stop feeling so weighed down, and start being a little kinder to yourself?

Because blame and guilt are heavy burdens to carry.  Plus, those emotions are not helpful at all.

And they just make us feel like shit and they keep us stuck where we are.  Which is not a great place to be.

Let me share this thought with you……

Responsibly is two-fold.

So, if you are going to blame yourself for everything that has gone wrong.

You also have to give yourself credit for everything that has gone right.

I encourage you to re-read it, and let that sit with you a little while.

Now, if you’re saying – Jen, nothing has gone right.  I’m calling bullshit.

While it may seem like everything is going wrong, and that nothing has gone right.  But when you break it down a little further, and look a little harder, you’ll see all the amazing things you ARE doing right.  And those are the things you deserve the credit for.

Set aside 10 minutes and make a list.  What have you accomplished or experienced to get where you are today?  Who are you today?

It could be travelling the world, having a nice house, or a great job.  Meeting new people or experiencing new cultures.

Do you appreciate your good friends even more now, have you developed better relationships or do you take care of yourself more now?  Are you more aware of your cycle and your body, are you growing and learning every day, or are you more tolerant and accepting of other people’s opinions?

It may be hard to see it at first, so if you’re having trouble, phone a friend.

Then you can dive into your fertility journey.  What are the things that you have modified to increase your chances?  Have you improved your diet, done some mindset work or removed things from your life to reduce your stress?  Perhaps you’ve started meditating or doing gentle exercise or making sure you get enough sleep? 

What is your body is doing right – the small things.  What are the things that HAVE gone right so far, even if they didn’t result in the ultimate outcome you desired? 

My point is, that taking responsibility for situation you’re in is only half the story.  You also need to give yourself credit for the good things that have happened too.

So next time you start blaming yourself for your situation, or something that has gone wrong, tip the scales in the other direction too.  Ask yourself, what did I do right here?