When you can’t picture yourself holding your baby in your arms.

One of the things I struggled with a lot on my fertility journey, was not being able to picture holding a baby in my arms at the end of it. I had hopes and dreams before we started trying to conceive, but a couple of years in, and I just couldn’t imagine it anymore.

And it worried me. Actually, it sent me into a downward spiral of fear and self-doubt.

In the midst of uncertainty and the unanswered questions of ‘why me?’ your mind searches for its own signs and meaning. So, you tell yourself that the reason why you can’t picture yourself holding a baby, or why you have this horrible feeling that it’s not going to work out for you, is because it’s not meant to be.

But I’m here to tell you, firstly, you are not alone in having this fear, or the inability to picture yourself holding your baby. I did a poll over on Instagram, and 100% of respondents said they couldn’t picture it either.

And secondly, your assumption is not correct. The reason why you can’t picture yourself holding a sweet baby in your arms at the end of this, is not because it’s not meant to be. It isn’t a sign. It isn’t your intuition.

Do you want to know what the real reason is? Here are just a few reasons why -  

Self-protection.

If you’ve been struggling to conceive for some time, there is a lot of trauma and grief present. You’ve had your hopes up and been excited one moment, only to have them crushing down around you the next. You’ve been hurt and had your heart broken. You’ve been living in a world that doesn’t recognise how hard this is. Your feelings have been dismissed and minimised. You’ve been made to feel like you’re doing everything wrong, that this is all your fault, and that your value is only in your ability to have a child.  Studies have shown that the anxiety that comes with infertility, is comparable to that of a cancer diagnosis.

It's only natural that you’re trying to protect yourself by not allowing yourself to imagine ‘what if this all works out in the end?’ That feels too risky.

So, while it may feel frustrating that you can’t imagine it, it’s kind of nice that your mind is trying to protect you and your heart.

You’re compartmentalising.

This journey can be so overwhelming. You experience the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. There are conflicting emotions. So many moving parts and possibilities. You’re constantly being triggered by the outside world. And when that happens, it gets to be too much, so you have to lock parts away. It’s a survival mechanism.

You narrow your focus on getting through today, or to the egg retrieval, or to the transfer, or through the two week wait. Otherwise it becomes too much, and you drive yourself insane.

Not being able to picture yourself being pregnant, or holding a baby in your arms is a very smart way of dealing with what is in front of you right now, and trying to reduce your anxiety over what may or may not happen in the future.

You want to be right.

This is another form of self-protection. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being wrong – just ask my husband. I will fight to the death to prove he is wrong, and I am right.

So in this instance, we tell ourselves that this isn’t going to work out, because it helps us feel more in control. And then, it if doesn’t work out, we’ll still be right. We can say – see, I told you so. And we hope that it cushions the blow when it comes.

But when we make a statement like this, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Which means that we go out in search of evidence that we’re right, and that this isn’t going to work out. And this is why we connect the dots and assume that not being able to picture ourselves holding our baby in our arms must be a sign. But it’s not.  

It makes complete sense that you can’t imagine what it would be like to hold your baby, or be pregnant right now.

And if you’re worried that the lack of vision is blocking your baby from coming, you can stop there too. This is not the reason why you’re not getting pregnant.

I know that for a fact, because I couldn’t picture it either, and I now have two beautiful babies. It’s just not true.

So please drop the struggle. I know you want to be able to picture it, but there is no need to spiral into self-punishment, more fear, or guilt as a result. If you can’t picture it, that’s ok. You don’t have to wrestle with it.

You’re doing such a great job just existing in this space, and in this world. What you’re going through is hard.

And even if you can’t picture it today, I hope you get the chance to hold your baby in your arms in reality. Because you truly deserve this.