These 3 Red-Flag Thoughts Are Keeping You Stuck on Your Fertility Journey

This journey is hard—there’s no way around that. But what makes it even harder? The way you talk to yourself.

Your inner dialogue has the power to turn pain into suffering, to keep you stuck, to strip away hope. And when you’re already carrying so much, the last thing you need is your own mind working against you.

The Difference Between Pain and Suffering

Pain is inevitable on this journey. The disappointment of another failed cycle, the grief of a loss, the frustration of watching other people get pregnant without even trying. That pain is real, and it deserves to be felt.

But suffering? That comes from the stories you tell yourself about the pain.

It’s the difference between “This is so hard” and “Why does this have to be so hard for me?”
It’s the difference between “I feel heartbroken” and “Maybe this is a sign I’m not meant to be a mother.”

Pain is the raw emotion. Suffering is the added layer of self-judgment, fear, and shame. And that layer? It’s optional.

How Your Mindset Keeps You Stuck

Your thoughts amplify your emotions. They take an already painful situation and make it unbearable. Here’s how:

• They keep you trapped in the past. If only we’d started trying sooner. If only I’d taken better care of my body. Regret turns into self-punishment, and you spiral into guilt over things you can’t change.
• They distract you from what matters. Why me? Why does this happen so easily for other people? Instead of focusing on what’s next, you get stuck in comparisons and resentment.
• They move you further away from hope. What if I do all of this and still end up with no baby? Fear makes you doubt everything, including yourself.

If you recognize these thought patterns, you’re not alone. But you don’t have to let them run the show.

The 3 Thought Traps That Trigger the Spiral (And How to Stop Them)

Your thoughts follow patterns. And most of the time, they start with one of three things:

1. "If Only…" (Regret & Self-Blame)

This thought keeps you in the past. It assumes that if you had done something differently, everything would have worked out. But the truth? You don’t know that. And even if you did, you can’t change the past.

Instead of letting this thought drag you down, interrupt it. When you hear yourself saying if only, remind yourself: I made the best decision based on the information I had at the time. Or I did what was best for me in that moment.

Regret won’t change what happened. But acceptance? That can change how you move forward.

2. "Why Me?" (Victim Mentality & Helplessness)

This one puts you in a powerless state. It makes you feel like the universe is against you. And when you start generalizing—Why does EVERYTHING have to be so hard? Why is EVERYONE pregnant except me?—your brain will find “proof” to support it.

The truth? Life isn’t fair, and this journey is hard. But instead of framing it as Why is this happening to me? try shifting to This is really hard, and I don’t want to be on this path.

See the difference? One keeps you stuck, the other acknowledges reality without making it personal.

3. "What If…" (Fear & Anxiety)

This one is sneaky. It feels productive, like you’re preparing for the worst. But all it does is drag you into the unknown, where fear and anxiety thrive.

The truth is, you don’t know what’s going to happen. So when your brain starts spiraling—What if I never have a baby? What if my husband never becomes a father?—try answering the question instead of letting it haunt you.

I’m scared that this cycle won’t work. And that’s okay, because this is really important to me. Or I really hope this cycle works.

And don’t forget to consider the other side: What if this cycle DOES work? What if I CAN get pregnant? Your fears are valid, but so is hope.

Final Thoughts

Your mindset won’t change overnight. But awareness is the first step. Start paying attention to the thoughts that pull you down. When you notice an if only, a why me, or a what if, pause. Redirect. And remind yourself:

• You did the best you could with what you knew.
• This journey is hard, and that’s okay to admit.
• Fear doesn’t predict the future.

You can’t always control what happens. But you can control how you talk to yourself. And that shift? That’s where your power lies.