How do you create some calm and peace inside the turmoil of infertility?

When your world is spinning out of control its hard to find a state of calm.  Infertility forces us into a constant state of turmoil – month after month, year after year.  After a while, it consumes every part of our lives, and we’re left with pieces of what was once a happy life.

There is a constant feeling of discontent.  Like you’ve put your life on hold and are waiting for it to begin. Where life is completely uncertain and you start to question absolutely everything.  You feel empty, directionless and out of control.

We resist the emotions that come up.  The sadness, the anger, the fear, the guilt, the resentment.  Because we’ve been taught that there is something wrong with feeling them.  People continually tell us to be positive and grateful.  But the more we resist and try to feel a particular way, the more we perpetuate the struggle.

The questions I get asked the most are –

How do I release control and surrender?

How do I feel content, at peace and find balance on my fertility journey?

They’re all reasonable questions.  We all want that feeling of peace, especially when you’re trying to conceive.  But maybe we’re coming at it from the wrong angle?

You see, I’m your typical type A personality – I love control, and I’m an all or nothing kind of girl.  If I’m going to do something, I’ll do it bloody well, or not at all.  I’m driven and determined and thrive on achievement. So, while I love the thought of releasing control and surrendering, in reality, I’m not that comfortable with it. And, well, I’d be setting myself up for failure.  NOW is not the time to try to find that elusive inner peace buddha style.

And I truly believe that you don’t have to release control and surrender, in order to have a baby OR to find a little bit of peace. Because the more you try, the more frustrated you’re going to get.  Releasing control isn’t about handing control of your fate to the fertility gods.  It’s about working out what you can and can’t control.

The main reason why you want to release control is because you’re exhausted, right?!  You’re sick of fighting for what you want so hard.  Especially when others don’t have to. 

It’s not about surrendering either – because that can give the indication that you don’t care – and you do – and that’s a good thing.

Nor is it about feeling completely content.  In my opinion, discontent sometimes can be a good thing.  It means you won’t just be satisfied.  It means you’ll question a diagnosis.  You’ll fight for what you want. 

So, I guess what I’m saying is that what we need to aim for is BALANCE.

Where there is an element of discontent – so we still investigate, advocate for ourselves and take action.  Where we are still able to enjoy control of the things we can. And where we resist the status quo and keep pushing forward.

You don’t have to change everything about yourself in order to find some peace. 

What CAN you do then?

Take regular breaks. The reason why you’re feeling like you need to surrender and release control is because you’ve been holding onto everything with a vice-like grip.  You’ve been white knuckling it for so long, and your body is in a constant state of stress.  I’m not saying walk away or take 6 months off.  I’m merely suggesting that you take one month off from trying.  That after your miscarriage, you give yourself some time to heal and recover physically and mentally before you start trying again.  That after your failed transfer, you have a month off between doing the next cycle.  Back-to-back trying and pushing and running is exhausting.  Very few people ever tell me that they regret taking a month off to look after themselves and their mental health.  Because it feels good to take care of yourself.

Make changes in your environment.  Sure, peace and calm begin inside.  Peace is not a place or a destination – it’s not something you will automatically feel when you finally get pregnant, or eventually hold your baby in your arms.  Nor is it a deserted island.  But those things certainly do help.  Our environment can definitely add to our stress and anxiety.  So, making some changes in your outside world will help lessen your inner turmoil.  

When life feels heavy, it helps to lighten the load around you.  Your insides reflect your outsides, so if you have a lot of clutter around you, you’ll feel overwhelmed too.  Here are some changes you can make that are really simple and effective –

1. Start with your work space – when I have papers, sticky notes and books everywhere, I’m less productive. So, clean up your workspace. It will clear your desk AND your mind.
2. Your house – do you have clutter everywhere? Unopened mail and magazines on the kitchen bench, washing piled on beds, a refrigerator filled with food you’re not going to eat, a kitchen pantry with out-of-date food and Tupperware with no lids? Do a big clean up. It feels good, it’s a great distraction, and it will help you take pride in your surroundings, and in yourself.
3. Look at your purse and handbag – do you have receipts, unused gift cards and dirty tissues in there? I cleaned out my handbag the other day and counted 8 hairbands – like WTF?! Not only will it literally lighten the load you carry on a daily basis, it feels great.
4. Your phone – is it filled with Apps you no longer use and photos you don’t need? Clean it up!
5. How is the ambience in your house? Does it feel like a calm place to live?  Try adding a few plants, ensuring there’s plenty of natural light and fresh air.  Get an oil diffuser and put some beautiful essential oils in it to change the vibe in your house.  Put on some calming music instead of listening to the news in the background.

Just a few small tweaks in your environment can make a huge difference to the way you feel inside.

What are you spending your time on?  When you spend most of your time on fertility related activities, it can definitely feel like it’s all consuming.  What are some things you can do that have nothing to do with making babies?  Look at your social circle – hang out with those people who aren’t constantly reminding you of what you don’t have. Do the little things that give you joy – heading away for the weekend to the beach or somewhere in nature.  Going to your favorite coffee shop, binge watching Netflix, doing a yoga class or starting a creative project. 

You can be content AND want more.

You can release some of the weight you’ve been carrying around AND still have control.

You can have peace without completely surrendering.

You can be living with uncertainty AND still know what direction you’re moving in.

It’s not about one or the other.

It’s about finding a little bit of balance.