Finding joy while on your fertility journey

When you’re struggling to conceive, it can feel like your whole life has been consumed by infertility.  It becomes our sole goal and purpose, and it squeezes the enjoyment out of most things in our life.  Our job becomes merely a source of income to fund our fertility treatments, our relationship and connection with our partner changes, our friendships go through a huge shift and we may even have to say goodbye to some.  Our social life takes a huge dive because we may not feel comfortable going out in public anymore……..and our ability to laugh or find joy in the smallest things disappears.

It’s heavy, and when you’re deep inside it, it’s hard to know how to live your life AND still be giving this your best shot.  How do you maintain that boundary, so your life is the main event, and trying for a baby is a component that sits to the side?

If you’d like to feel like yourself again.  If you’d like to stop looking back and regretting the years you’re wasting, instead of living.  If you’d like to hit the play button instead of being on pause and find some balance in your life, here is something that I am creating in my own life right now.

It was inspired by the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  If you haven’t read it, I’d highly recommend you do.  But before we get into the HOW, let’s clarify what we’re aiming for here.

In this blog, I’m going to explain how you can find moments of JOY, as opposed to happiness.  Yes, these are different – happiness is mainly dependent on your circumstances.  So when you’re trying to conceive, it can be hard to find happiness, because what you’re going through on a daily basis is more than a little challenging.  Your circumstances make it hard to be happy. And because our happiness is based on something which may or may not happen in the future, it’s not in our control. 

A lot of us look to the future for happiness – we plan on being happy when we get a bigger car, get the renovations done to our house…….or have a baby.  And when we live in that gap between where we are now, and where happiness lies, it's constantly unsatisfying.

But we have the power to find joy right now.

So, what is joy?  Joy is something that is beyond happiness.  It’s the inner feeling of hope, faith, and love.  It’s more of a spiritual opening, based on gratitude and purpose.  It’s that moment when you feel lighter, and like you can finally exhale again.

Now if you’re like – wow – joy sounds WAY out of reach for me right now, I hear you.  And that’s where we need to lower our expectations.  Instead of aiming for an overall state of joy, we aim for a glimmer.  I absolutely love that word!  It reduces the pressure we place on ourselves to be joyful all the time.  Instead, we can search for merely a glimmer of hope, a glimmer of love, or a glimmer of faith. 

So how do we find that glimmer? 

Let’s create a list (yes, I love a good list!! 😊).  We’re going to call it your Ingredients for Joy and Ease.

These are the things that when you’re doing them, you feel stronger, more in control, and lighter.  Now, it’s important to remember that the things that used to give you joy, may not work anymore.  There is nothing wrong with that – this journey changes us and so does our age i.e. going out with my girlfriends to a nightclub and drinking and dancing on a Saturday night used to give me joy – but now I couldn’t think of anything worse.  That has nothing to do with my fertility journey, just a maturity and evolution.

Now if you’re sitting there with a blank piece of paper still, drumming your fingers on the table, and considering googling “What gives me joy?”, that’s ok.  It’s hard to develop these things when you’re buried in infertility.  So, I’m going to share my ingredients with you. 

For me, when I look after my health, I feel like things flow a little easier in my life.  I’m more in control of my emotions, my thoughts are kinder, I feel empowered and in control, and I’m more productive.  These are the things we actually resent doing on our fertility journey.  But in fact, they aren’t just things you’re told to do in order to help you get pregnant - they are ingredients for joy.  i.e……

When I get enough sleep at night, I wake up motivated to do exercise.

When I exercise regularly, I feel stronger and calmer and am more motivated to eat better and drink more water.

When I drink enough water throughout the day, my head feels clearer.

When I’m eating nourishing foods, I have more energy to get things done.

And then there are the things that bring me pure joy and a sense of peace and alignment.  But here’s the catch - in order to have the energy to do the things that give me moments of joy, I need to take care of my health and do the things on the list above.  Otherwise, I don’t have the energy or motivation to show up and lean into them.

So what gives me joy? 

For me, it’s going to the beach.  This is the place where I feel the most connected and calm.

It’s laughing until I cry.

It’s meditating, or going for a massage, or going for a magnesium float.

It’s date nights with my husband.

It’s sitting in front of the TV, watching a movie with a glass of red wine and a bowl of Doritos.

It’s weekends away with my family.

Or sitting on the beach with my friends on a Friday afternoon, with a few drinks and snacks, watching the sun go down. 

It’s sitting on the balcony with my husband, playing phase 10.

Those are the things that I know will give me moments of joy.  It’s not about aiming for 100% joyfulness, it’s finding that glimmer in amongst the hard things you’re going through.

It’s being aware of what helps you feel like going out in search of those moments. And it’s taking action and making the time to add these things to your diary.  Book in the weekend away.  Make the reservation for date night.  Message your friends and ask them to come to the beach.  Or give yourself permission to spend a few mindless hours in front of your favourite television show (without the guilt attached). 

And when you’re experiencing these moments of joy, acknowledge them.  Practice gratitude for those moments.  Sit in them.  And reflect on them afterward. 

If you’re anything like me, you may be able to create your list, but knowing and doing are two completely different things.  I need a little accountability or a little kick up the bum to take action – yes, coaches need coaches too.  Just like therapists need therapists.  We all need a little help to do the thing we know is going to make us feel good.  So, if you’d like to start putting this into practice and find moments of joy in amongst all the shit you’re going through on your fertility journey.  If you’d like to un-pause, hit the play button and start living again, you can check out my 1:1 coaching program HERE.