When the only goal becomes……to have a baby.

One day you wake up, and you don’t recognize the person you have become or the life that you’re leading.  Once a confident, decisive and positive person, you now feel like the whole weight of the world is on your shoulders.  You’re angry all the time and can’t be happy when other people are happy – in fact it makes you even more miserable.  You struggle making any kind of decision, and you’re bitter and negative.  It’s like you’ve added a filter of hopelessness to yourself and your life.

And that’s if you can even call it a life anymore.  Between googling the latest miracle cure for unexplained infertility, you’re staying in a job you hate because it has maternity benefits, you’re unable to function in the outside world or even keep a conversation anymore.  Not that you have anyone to talk to anyway – all your friends are either pregnant, have children, or you think they’re trying to get pregnant.  All of the above puts them on the list of people you can no longer hang around because it’s too painful. 

If you feel like I’ve been reading your journal or secretly stalking you, I haven’t.  The reason I know all of this, is because that was my life for 5 years.  Of course, if you looked at me on the surface, you’d never be able to tell.  I was a swan gliding on top of the water, but underneath my feet were paddling like mad, just to keep me afloat. 

The change happens slowly at first, but the longer you’re on the fertility rollercoaster, the more it consumes you.  Your desire to have a baby changes everything.  In the beginning, it’s a goal like any other.  You have a great life, lovely friends, and a job you enjoy.  But gradually, that goal starts to take over every aspect of your life. 

I like to explain it like boxes.  You have your partner box, your friend box, your work box, your holiday and leisure box and your new addition……..the “have a baby” box.  They’re all separate, neat and make up a fulfilling life.  But over time, they stack inside each other, like a set of babushka dolls. 

Your partner and the connection you had starts to wobble – your conversations are all about fertility treatments and your sex life becomes all about ovulation and timed sex.  Your relationship box gets dumped into your “have a baby” box. 

Your friendships get strained and you can’t handle the insensitive comments and unsolicited advice, so you put them on hold and distance yourself.  The only people you can feel comforted by are fellow fertility warriors – because they are the only ones who truly understand.  So, your friend box is now nestled safely in your “have a baby” box.

Your job becomes an inconvenience because you’ve either started fertility treatments, or spend most of your time googling what your options are.  The only reason you need to stay employed is so you have enough money to pay for IVF treatments or buy donor eggs.  So yes, the work box gets dumped into the “have a baby” box too. 

THEN you have your holiday and leisure box………you guessed it!! You put your life on hold because you’re either starting IVF, or you could be starting IVF or you could be pregnant by then.  Not to mention that all of your travel or leisure funds are now being spent on fertility doctors.  Yep, it’s now sitting inside the “have a baby box”.

Once that happens, the goal becomes not just a desire, it’s an obsession.  The only way to unpack those boxes that once resembled a very nice life is to……..HAVE A BABY!!

So now that we’ve established what the hell has happened, how do we unstack those boxes and get our life back right now?

We get rid of the goal……….HAVE A BABY.  No, I haven’t gone mad.  Nor is this going in the direction of giving you the advice of JUST STOP TRYING.  I hate that crappy piece of advice just as much as you do!

But I’m serious.  We need to change the way we think about this goal, because the current way is NOT helpful.  And the reason why it’s not helpful is because you don’t have control of whether you achieve it or not.  Now, stay with me here.  Yes, you have the ability to increase your chances, but you don’t have control over the ultimate result. 

You can do ALL the things you’re told to do (and I know this from personal experience), and you can still not see two lines on that damn pregnancy test.  And what happens then is that you stop doing all the things you should be doing, and you say to yourself…..WHAT’S THE F*CKING POINT??!!!

If you’re nodding along, don’t worry – you are not alone.  We’ve all screamed that a million times before too.

So today we are going to rework that goal and switch it on it’s head.  So you achieve your goals each month, stay motivated and continue to do all the things (within reason) you need to be doing to increase your chances of having a baby.

Let’s take your diet for example.  We all know we need to be eating less processed foods, and more real foods packed with vitamins and minerals.  I mean, we should all be doing that anyway, right?!  But we twist ourselves inside out and completely cut out the things we love (goodbye wine) and make our diet into a source of punishment……to have a baby.  So, let’s change the goal (and dial back the restrictions while you’re at it).  You are eating all the foods you need to be eating………BECAUSE YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD AND HAVE THE ENERGY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. 

Same with acupuncture.  When I started my first IVF cycle, I did the research and of course found out that acupuncture can help improve egg quality and follicle count.  So, I went and got acupuncture……to have a baby.  The issue is that it was a small cold room, I’d squeeze the appointment in during the week before I went to work……and well, I hated it.  I was doing it to tick a box, and it was making me more stressed, and probably negating the benefits anyway.  Eventually I found another acupuncturist who I fell in love with.  I would see her on the weekend and she became my safe haven.  A place to download, let go, and be pampered.  I went……. BECAUSE IT FELT AMAZING AND I NEEDED THE RELEASE.

Do you get my drift?  The goal has changed and is no longer…..to have a baby. 

The goal is now…..

To feel good.

To have more energy.

To clear your mind.

To relax.

And when we tweak the goal, it has a whole new energy.  You’re still doing the things you need to be doing, and when you feel better as a result (which you will), you’ll be achieving your goals.  And because you’re achieving your goals, you still feeling motivated.  The cycle continues, right?

And here’s the kicker…….

The ultimate outcome is………YOU INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING A BABY.  YES!!! 

HAVE A BABY is no longer the goal……IT’S THE OUTCOME!!!

And that is how you eventually unpack those boxes or little babushka dolls, and take back control of your life. 

Need some help?  My 1:1 coaching program will help you re-establish your goals and create some healthy habits.  That way you can stay motivated, stop punishing yourself and develop some consistency in your routines. Oh yeah – and the outcome is….YOU INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING A BABY.

Click HERE for more information, or to book a free 30-minute chat with me to find out more.

Jen xx