Make decisions a little easier, and stop listening to that voice in your head

I had a fight inside my mind this morning.  It was about going for a walk on the beach before work.  My heart knew that I needed this - to soak in a little nature, so I could feel calm and recharged. But my head was saying – this isn’t productive. You have work to do. Stop being so lazy. This is a waste of time. Stop being so self-indulgent.

These were seriously the thoughts going on inside my head. And the thing is, I know first-hand the importance of slowing down. I know that taking time for yourself actually makes you more productive. I know the health benefits of walking along the beach.  I’m familiar with the impact of rushing and ongoing stress on your bodily functions – including energy depletion, lack of sleep, weight issues and your cycle. Because THIS is what I teach!

But regardless of my knowledge, I still had that voice. It’s very familiar, and it’s been present for a long time. I remember hearing that voice when I was studying for my exams at school, when I was working my way up the corporate ladder, and even more so on my fertility journey.

It told me that resting was for the weak. That hard work equaled results. If I didn’t keep trying to get pregnant month after month, that perhaps I didn’t deserve it.  It told me to keep doing more, because if I didn’t, it would all be my fault that we didn’t have a baby.

But here’s the thing. It was also the same voice that told me to screw the diet. To drink the wine, because it probably wasn’t going to work anyway. It encouraged me to eat the chips and processed food when my period arrived yet again. That voice told me to stop exercising, because I was tired and defeated. And what’s the f*cking point?!

That voice is super confusing, and freaking annoying. It gives us so many mixed messages. It seriously does your head in.  We can have all the knowledge in the world, but that voice is still there.  Persistent, and mean!

But here’s the thing that I also know – that voice isn’t ME and it isn’t YOU either.  That voice is made up of our beliefs and our past experience.

Most of our core beliefs are formed when we are children. When we are born, we enter this world with a clean slate and without preconceived beliefs.  Psychologists believe that by the age of seven, most of our patterns of behavior, our beliefs and our habits are formed.  Unfortunately, at such a young age, we cannot discern fact from fiction, so we accept what we are told, and what we see as truth.

It could be (in my case) watching your mum never sit still. Always doing house work and chores. Putting other’s needs first. Never playing. Never laughing. Continually rushing.

It could be hearing your grandmother say – don’t sit down and do nothing – don’t be so lazy.

It could be your dad telling you to go to your room to cry.

Or, like me, you could have witnessed how hard motherhood looked because you saw your mum raise 3 small children and struggle – so now you think that motherhood is going to be really hard.

Your beliefs and that voice can also be created by your past experience. For example, if your previous IVF transfer didn’t work, that voice says this probably won’t work either.  If your last pregnancy ended in miscarriage, that voice will say – don’t get your hopes up, this probably won’t work.  Our mind is continually putting those red flags up, saying DANGER AHEAD. 

And here’s the tricky thing. When we have deeply-rooted beliefs that we cling to subconsciously, our minds will constantly look for proof to validate and bolster them. When we don’t listen to that voice and things go wrong – it reinforces the fact that we should listen to it.  For example, when I argued with my mind about going for a walk, I got less work done (in theory).  Then toward the end of the day, when I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed, that little voice came out of nowhere and said – see, that’s because you didn’t listen to me when I told you not to go for a walk. See what happens when you don’t follow my instructions?

When we don’t listen to that voice, and things don’t work, we feel foolish and start punishing ourselves.  That voice can be super cruel and manipulative, can’t it?

So, if you’re wondering why your actions aren’t aligning with your hopes and dreams. If you KNOW what you should be doing, but for some reason you can’t do it…….it’s all due to the voices in our head.  The inner conflict.

How do we get to a point where the voice don’t completely ruin our life, so we can stop self-sabotaging our journey? 

You may be thinking – if that voice is so horrible, let’s get rid of it!

Unfortunately, it’s not like a friend who you can cut out of your life, or a telemarketer you can block on your phone. Eliminating that voice altogether is setting your expectations way too high, and setting yourself up for failure.  That voice has been there a while, and may not want to go anywhere. 

You could argue with it (like me), however entering into a rumble with that voice takes a LOT of energy, and you want to feel at peace with your mind, not at war with it.

One option is to change the thought pattern.  To shift the language.  To go from – this probably won’t work…..to I don’t know if this will work.  Those simple tweaks in language can help.

Another option is to ignore it.

It’s not your fault that the voice in your head exists. You don’t need to blame it. But you get to choose whether you listen to it.  Understand that the voice is acting on something that it believes to be true.  It’s trying to protect you based on a truth.  However, that may or may not be your truth anymore.

So, while you may not get to choose the first thought that pops into your head, because your brain is on auto-pilot and your subconscious is pretty powerful when you’re exhausted, you get to choose whether to believe it or not.

When that voice says – you’re struggling to get pregnant because you don’t deserve to be a mum.  You get to choose whether you believe it, or call bullsh*t.  (and to that, we always call bullsh*t!).

Because that voice doesn’t know everything.  It isn’t always to be trusted.

So, who do you trust, if you can’t trust that voice?

You trust your intuition. THAT is your source of truth.

Your intuition is that little nudge, kind of like a voice, except it doesn’t come from your head, but deep inside your body. Unfortunately, the longer we’re on this journey, the more disconnected we feel. So, this is a muscle that needs to be worked on and strengthened.

Next time you have a decision you need to make, sit for a moment, take a deep breath, and try to quiet the thoughts a little. Sink into your body. Imagine you are sinking down from your head, to your heart.  And when you feel a little calmer, ask yourself – should I go for a walk on the beach today?  If the thought of doing that feels warm (which of course it does), go toward it.  If that feels cold, move away from it.

You can do the same when you’re choosing a doctor, an egg donor, deciding whether to go down the path of IVF, or whether to go to that baby shower - so many things.

Your intuition is your single source of truth. She really does know what is best. Be still, take a deep breath, and try to feel your way through this, one decision at a time.