The things getting in your way of finding peace on your fertility journey AND how to overcome them

When I start working with my clients, one of the questions I ask them is…..how do you want to feel right now?  Their responses vary slightly, but there is one underlying theme. They want to feel calm, be content, and find some peace on this journey.

We try all the tricks in the book to find some peace from the thoughts and emotions, and fail time and time again. It’s not from a lack of information – it’s all there on google.  You’ll get a million responses when you type in “how to reduce your stress”.  We know what we should be doing. But it’s not that simple. Because knowing and doing is another thing.

Our issue is that we’re so desperate to get to the end – to feel that sense of calm, that we try to bypass the hard stuff in the middle to get to utopia. We’re flicking to the back of the book to read the last page, or getting dropped off at the top of the mountain without doing the climb. We’re trying to cheat our way to peace, and as a result, we’re getting knocked on our ass every single time. We’re trying, but there are so many obstacles that are getting in our way. 

No, it’s not just you.  Finding peace when you’re trying to get pregnant, when you’re experiencing a loss, going through IVF, or are finally pregnant after all that…..is fucking hard. 

Don’t be disheartened however - it is possible. But first, we need to do the work on the obstacles that are blocking our path.  Want to know what they are?!  How long have you got?!!

Here are just a few of the things that may be tripping you up, and how you can move past them.

1. Fear. We’re scared of not getting pregnant, we’re scared of getting pregnant, we’re scared that if we start crying we won’t stop, we’re scared of everyone passing us on the path to motherhood and that we’ll be left behind. And we’re scared that all the sacrifices we have made to date will be for nothing. Fear is an ever-present companion on this journey. But fear is not the enemy here. Our fears are trying to keep us safe – they are trying to protect us from the unknown.  And pushing them down doesn’t help.  It only gives them more power.  So instead of ignoring our fears, there are things you can do to alleviate them.  You can read more about how you can do this HERE.
   
   
2. Comparison. It hurts when we see others having babies and creating their families with little to no effort, while we are struggling. It can feel disheartening, create jealousy, and lead to thoughts of “why not me?”  They say that comparison is the thief of joy, and in some cases it is. But I don’t believe it’s the root of all evil. We all compare and wish we had what others have – it’s natural. And in some circumstances, it can motivate us to work harder. So instead of viewing what others have as something you don’t have, try reframing it. Replace the thought with – I’ll have what she’s having, or yes please!
   
   
3. Our need to please others. This is a BIG obstacle on this path. Hands up all my people pleasers out there. How many times have you gone to a baby shower (despite being at rock bottom and knowing that it will be one of the most painful experiences for you) because you didn’t want to disappoint someone else? We are taught from a young age that we need to put other people’s needs and feelings before our own. But why is it that we have more sympathy for the feelings of those who are happy (i.e. the pregnant woman), than the feelings of someone who is going through a truly traumatic and grief-stricken time? It makes absolutely no sense.  But remember that you are a person too i.e. you can please yourself and still be a people pleaser. And most importantly, remember that your feelings matter too.
   
   
4. Toxic positivity. How many times have you shared with someone how you’re truly feeling i.e. I’m scared or sad, and had them tell you to just be positive or grateful, or that things could always be worse, and to stop thinking about it. We live in a culture where the “negative emotions” are seen as evil. But they aren’t. All emotions were created to be felt. But because other people can’t handle seeing someone sad, we feel like we can’t share what we’re going through. That is their problem, not yours. Just because they are incapable of supporting you, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It is ok to not be ok. So, find someone who is capable of hearing your emotions and sitting beside you while you experience them. There is no room for toxic positivity when it comes to our fertility journey.
   
   
5. Feeling unworthy. When we’re on this journey, we start to become consumed. Our purpose becomes linked to our desire to have a baby, and all of a sudden, we can’t see beyond it.  We feel like our worthiness is tied to our goal of becoming a mom or creating the family we have always dreamed of. Which can lead to us thinking that the reason why it’s not happening is because we’re not worthy. And it’s hard to undo that damaging mindset. But our worthiness is not linked to our job, our marital status, our social status, or whether we have children.  We were born worthy, and we have nothing to prove. 
   
   
6. Our view on manifesting and jinxing things. When I was in the throes of my fertility journey, I read The Law of Attraction and The Secret. Both books are based on the fact that your thoughts can change your life. Of course, I took it to the extreme and to mean that it was all my fault that I wasn’t pregnant, because I wasn’t thinking positively enough, or manifesting hard enough, or because I didn’t want it enough. Or that I was the reason we had a miscarriage because I was worried about having a loss. It completely screwed me up. And it forced me to deny my true thoughts and feelings (which was even more detrimental). But those thoughts are meant to empower us, not act as a source of punishment and guilt. So, the next time you start worrying about your thoughts, remember that speaking your truth is more important.
   
   
7. Faking it. This is linked to (6) above. Because we don’t want to think negative thoughts, we put on a brave face, push down the sadness, and put on a performance worthy of an Oscar. But faking it is exhausting. And it means that we don’t get the support we need. We can only pretend so long before the cracks start to show.
   
   
8. Our inability to ask for help. As someone who has, and continues to struggle asking for help, this is a big one for me. There are so many reasons for this – our upbringing, our personality, our pride etc. We want to prove to other people that we can do it all by ourselves because it appears that everyone is doing it (they’re not btw).  But help and support is essential for survival on this journey.  We cannot find peace without it.  If you struggle asking for help, you can refer to my blog on this HERE.
   
   
9. Worrying about what other people think. Ugh, this is a tough one, isn’t it? I spent years hiding our fertility struggles because I was worried about what other people would say. I hid the fact that we were going through IVF from my work colleagues because I was scared that they would judge me. But the thing I have learned is that people aren’t thinking about me as much as I think they are. In fact, they’re not usually thinking about me at all – because they’re too busy thinking about themselves. So, we can turn ourselves in knots worrying, but that’s mostly in our heads. And really, other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. What matters more is what YOU think.
   
   
10. The belief that looking after ourselves is selfish or self-indulgence. Ok, this is something that really pisses me off. I too am a victim to the guilt that comes when I do something for myself. And it’s taken me a lot of work and self-talk to get past that mindset. But it is our duty to look after ourselves because no-one else does.  And right now, on this journey, you need a little extra love and attention.  Because how can you create a life, if you’re not looking after your own?  Let’s stop confusing self-preservation and self-care, with self-indulgence.  It's necessary and deserved.
    
    

Look, I’ll be honest with you – there are a whole lot more obstacles that get in our way of finding peace and contentment on this journey.  There’s the mindset that we need to be perfect to get pregnant, the fact that it’s SO freaking hard to be vulnerable. That we weren’t taught how to process our emotions, that we have a hard time feeling hope or joy. So many obstacles. 

So, if you’ve been punishing yourself or scratching your head because your gratitude practice or 5-minute meditation each day isn’t cutting it for you, you can stop. These are the obstacles you’re trying to overcome in order to get to the other side. 

But just because there are obstacles in your way, it doesn’t mean you can’t work your way through them.  It is hard to do it alone, however.  So, if you’re ready to start feeling more content, at peace, and calm, this is what my clients experience when they complete my 1:1 coaching program.  Find out how you can work with me today by heading HERE.