How can you feel PEACE while you’re struggling with infertility?

That moment you realize you can feel the pain, and still be ok, is the moment you will be free.

Let’s get honest about infertility.

I was always afraid to let the pain of infertility and loss get too close.  I know that sounds weird given the fact that I was living inside it for so long.  But I was scared to look at it and feel it.

So, I distracted myself with work and threw myself into one project after another.  I focused on climbing the corporate ladder and earning more and more money.  Buying a new car, or going on our next overseas holiday. In hindsight, it gave me comfort, because it allowed me to have control over something.

I rarely shared or spoke about my struggles with anyone, because I was sick of dealing with them and I hated how weak it made me feel.  I didn’t want to be known as “that girl” who always talks about fertility and her sadness, or the negative Nancy of the group.

I numbed with alcohol, and threw myself into investigating the miracle cure for our fertility struggles.  I ran as fast as I could to that finish line, which kept moving out of my grasp.

For 7 years (and perhaps longer to be honest), I lived in denial and distraction.  It wasn’t healthy, pleasant or fulfilling - for me or those around me. I was empty and SO far from peace, it wasn’t funny.  The thoughts consumed me.  The guilt was overwhelming.  The jealousy and bitterness almost swallowed me whole. 

All because I was scared.  Of feeling.  Of acknowledging.  Of going against the norm. Of letting in the negativity, the horrible thoughts and the truth inside.

For so many years, I had been brainwashed by people telling me to “just be positive”. And I had read so many self-help books that told me that we manifest the lives and the situations we’re in right now, including that book that came out in 2006 (just before we started trying to conceive), called THE SECRET. Remember that craze? Spoiler alert for those of you who haven’t read it or watched the movie - The Secret is based on the belief of the law of attraction, which claims that thoughts can change a person's life directly.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually LOVE that premise, and I do believe in it…….with a disclaimer attached.

There is a time and a place for this.  AND there needs to be balance.  We need to use that idea for good, not evil.  For me, and given the emotional state I was in during my fertility journey, I took it to mean that I WAS THE REASON I WASN’T PREGNANT.  That it was all my fault.  And if I could just think positive, or imagine holding my baby in my arms (which I could NEVER picture), or calm the fuck down (somehow), then my baby would arrive.  And the longer it took, the more I blamed myself.

And I’m sure it’s not just me thinking those thoughts, right?!!  So, let’s blow this shit out of the water once and for all.

Here is the thing.  Those books are meant to empower us, not to act as a source of punishment or guilt.  Nor are they there to strip us of our sense of self and internal honesty.  If we read that we must think good thoughts in order to get what we want, we ignore the truth, and start living a lie. And THAT is fucking exhausting.  Right?!!

What happens is, when we push those thoughts and emotions down, they don’t go away.  They sit there, they pull up a chair, make themselves a cup of tea, and settle in for the long haul.  And while you keep pushing them into the background and covering them up with your false positivity or the fake smile (which depletes your energy in itself), we lose touch with reality.

Aren’t you sick of faking it??!!!

So how do we unravel this wicked web and find that balance between honesty and positivity?

Firstly, we have to remember who we’re taking advice from.  If it’s your aunt down the road with 4 children, who never struggled with infertility, perhaps she’s not the right choice.  If it’s your mum, who doesn’t want to see you hurt, and as a result, keeps telling you stories of a friend of a cousin of a friend who went on a holiday, and it worked for them, you can block that out too.  If it’s a self-help book aimed at under-achievers or those who can’t get motivated, strike that.

Remove the background noise and strip it back.

How would it feel to be honest with yourself?

How would it feel to say……

I am NOT ok.  I am hurting.  This is hard.  I am angry.  I am scared that this will all be for nothing.  I am jealous of those who don’t struggle. 

You can.  You can speak those words, and the world won’t fall apart in the process.  Nor will the fertility gods put a strike against your name for speaking them out loud. 

YOUR ATTITUDE AND YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT THE REASON WHY YOU’RE NOT GETTING PREGNANT.

Pause.  Read it again.  And breathe a sigh of relief.

I’m going to share a technique with you that I use with my clients in my private coaching program.  It’s called the BUBBLE OF MISERY.  No, it doesn’t sound particularly inviting, but it works every time!! 

The bubble of misery can be used when you’ve just received the 3^rd pregnancy announcement this week, including your sister who is 10 years younger than you and wasn’t even trying. Or perhaps when your IVF cycle has failed, you’re going through a miscarriage, or just when it all gets too much.  When it feels like you’re at rock bottom and can’t pull yourself out, this is for you.

So how does it work?  Set yourself a time limit – it could be a day, a weekend, or a week.  Create a cocoon around you, and give yourself permission to feel sad and miserable.  You can watch sad movies, eat bad food, stay at home on the couch or in bed.  Face the vast emotions that come up.  Cry…..a lot! Scream at the injustice. Get out your journal and write down all the “bad” thoughts you have.  What are you feeling and thinking right now?  Make it messy.  Allow the brutal truth in all it’s forms to come out.  Almost like an exorcism. 

And do it without fear of retribution.  Do it without the fear of wondering whether you can handle this.  Because you CAN!!  If you can deal with the shit you’ve been going through to date, you can handle the bubble of misery. 

And if you’re wondering whether you’ll be able to pull yourself out of it, you will.  Because the more we resist and push against the truth, the louder and longer we live inside it.  If you don’t believe me, you can read my recent blog on Cow’s and Buffalo’s, which explains this concept a little more.

Then when you’re on the other side of your bubble, you can rebuild.  Take a shower, go outside into the fresh air, soak up some sunshine, go for a walk and emerge. 

I’m always reminded of butterflies and the metamorphosis a caterpillar goes through in order to become a butterfly.  It sounds painful too.  But it is a process that they must endure and experience in order to become strong enough to fly.

And when you do this, you will understand that you CAN feel all of this AND survive.

You can do this.  But it starts with honesty and courage.

If you’d like a little help with your own metamorphosis, you can find information on my private coaching program HERE or send me an email at [email protected].