3 reasons why being unproductive will get you pregnant quicker

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to “just relax” on my fertility journey, I’d have enough money to pay for all those IVF cycles over again!  It really pissed me off, and I’m only just realising WHY those two little words made me so angry.

Aside from the obvious reasons - you’re putting your body through hell and doing all the research, so simplifying ALL your fertility problems into one simple solution, is insulting and insensitive.

But for me, the main reason why “just relax” infuriated me was because I had no idea HOW to do it.  To be honest with you, the thought of relaxing and being unproductive made me feel VERY uncomfortable.  It didn’t come natural to me in the slightest.

You see, I’m your typical type A personality – driven by accomplishment, achievement and purpose. I love control and checking things off my to-do list. Back when our fertility journey started, you would rarely find me lounging around or doing “nothing” (unless I was hungover). I was always on the move.

And planning was a must.  When I met my husband and we started travelling around the world (in the midst of infertility – because….well…..they said to go on a holiday too), we would even plan our holidays down to the hour.  Always on the go – very rarely stopping and flopping.

Now that I’m a fertility coach, I see the same qualities in my clients.  We have many conversations about the importance of being unproductive and HOW they can be comfortable with it.

So, over the next few hundred words I’m going to dig into WHY we find it hard to sit still, and WHY it’s important to rewire our brain, and overcome our beliefs and former attitude about productivity.

Firstly, why is being unproductive on our fertility journey so hard?

1. It’s been hard wired into our brain that hard work and achievement is important. Be more, see more, have more, more, more……You pull out any self-help book and it will tell you how you can get the most out of your day.  It’s plastered across social media – click here for 5 tips on being MORE productive etc. In interviews with those we idolise, their biggest secret to success is “hard work!” So, we put productivity on a pedestal as something that is very important and the key to success.
   
   
2. We model what we see and what we’re taught from a young age. If you’re anything like me (or my clients), there is probably someone in your family who you looked up to, who was ALWAYS on the move and doing things. For me, it was my mum. She was a single mum of three girls and I can’t remember ever seeing her sitting down and relaxing. She could change a tyre, sew costumes, paint a house AND raise three young children by herself. She was wonder woman to me. So, it taught me that you can do anything……if you just keep moving. Have a think about who that person was for you.
3. Control. I love it. We all love it. And when we’re trying to conceive, this is usually the first real taste we get that we are NOT in control of everything. The more uncertainty there is in the outcome, the more we try to search for control. So, in order to gain more control, we try to do more. And we get stuck in the DOING. The thought of not being in that constant state of moving and running and pushing, makes us feel uncomfortable. So, when someone tells us to stop, it gives us anxiety. What I have learned however is that control does not give us certainty.  And the more we try to be certain about something, the more uncertain and insecure we will feel.
4. We are trying to prove our sense of self-worth to ourselves or someone else, in order to gain approval or love. It’s ok if this makes you feel uncomfortable. We tend to get so caught up in proving to others and ourselves that we are “worthy” and “lovable” based on where we work, the car we drive, the house we live in and whether we are “successful” by the (sometimes impossible) standards we set for ourselves. So, we kill ourselves by pushing and pushing, trying to prove that we’re valuable and to get validation. Let me tell you now – we are all born worthy. You are already amazing and have nothing to prove. Not feeling loved by those around you has nothing to do with who YOU are, it has to do with who THEY are.
5. I was always taught that doing “nothing” was lazy. I never realised how much that was ingrained in me until it was brought to my attention. I would see my husband sitting on the couch relaxing. It would drive me crazy and my first thought was always – don’t be so lazy! I can tell you now, he is NOT lazy, but seeing someone doing nothing would invoke that internal dialogue. And as a high achiever, being called lazy was one of the biggest insults you could give to me. Do you have that internal dialogue too?

Ok, so there’s a LOT of stuff that has created that stigma around NOT being productive being evil. There is no need to blame yourself or feel bad about struggling with this – most of us are wired this way too.

And while we get a sense of achievement, control and worthiness from being productive, it’s fucking exhausting. Aren’t you tired?  I know I was!

That is why it’s important to change the dialogue. Let’s see if I can show you the importance of doing nothing and HOW it contributes to improving your fertility and getting you pregnant.

1. Feminine vs masculine energy. In order to create a baby, it helps to be in a more flow and feminine state. THAT is where creation starts. So, what’s the difference between feminine and masculine energies? Masculine is more focused, driven, goal oriented, logical, practical and always having to ask and understand why. It’s more linear and based on “just getting it done”. Sound familiar?  Yep – that was me. Feminine however is more fluid and flexible, intuitive, emotional, receptive and trusting in the process. Basically, masculine is DOING, and feminine is BEING. On our fertility journey, it’s hard to switch into our feminine energy because we’re so focused on “doing”.  Which is why it’s really important to be able to sit in our femininity.  Receiving instead of giving. THIS is where creation begins.  Making time to reverse the flow is important.
   
   
2. This is a marathon, not a race. I ran for at least 5 years before realising that it wasn’t serving me.  Our mind and our body cannot sustain the pressure we continually put it under. I did back-to-back IVF cycles because I wanted to get off the rollercoaster. I kept telling myself that I would rest when it was over – because of course it would be over after this cycle. Firstly, I didn’t realise how long it would take (said EVERYONE who has ever dealt with infertility).  Nor did I realise the damage I was doing to myself and those around me until I stepped off at the end.  In order to keep going, you need to create space to care for yourself.  To take a breather.  It’s not only essential for your mental well-being, but it’s necessary for your body too……..
   
   
3. Being in a continual state of stress is NOT good for your body, nor is it good for your fertility. Remember – you are asking your body to create another human – and that takes a LOT of energy. I’m going to give you the simple version, but you can do your own research if you like.  Basically, stress causes your Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) to kick in which makes your body think that it is in danger (often referred to as fight or flight mode).  And if your body thinks it’s in danger, it shuts down your reproductive system because it thinks it’s doing you a favour. All its energy is diverted to keeping you alive as opposed to reproduction. That’s often why, if you’re stressed, your period is irregular or non-existent.  It’s all connected. 

Unfortunately, relaxing is a BIG part of the solution. 

Yes, being unproductive is one of THE most productive things you can be doing to increase your chances of getting pregnant. 

It is NOT being lazy and should be treated as something you put on your to-do list.  Just as you would go to an acupuncture session, you should also book in your “relaxation time”.

Now that you are armed with the information and justification you need, that is, WHY you struggle and WHY it’s so important to make a change, you’re ready for the next step.

HOW do you create non-productivity in your life?

Well, that’s part of my 5-step coaching program so you can reclaim your life AND get closer to your baby.

It includes practical ways and techniques that will allow you to make small tweaks in your daily habits so you can learn how to “relax”, lighten the load you’ve been carrying, get your energy back, and create control in a helpful way.

You can find more information HERE.