Gain back your self-confidence, sense of self, and self-respect in the midst of infertility

Infertility and pregnancy loss have a unique way of knocking you down a peg or two. You start the journey as a confident, self-motivated, glass half full kind of person, and somewhere along the way your zest for life is sucked out of you.

Your self-confidence is usually the first to go. You struggle making the simplest decisions, because you start questioning and doubting your ability to make the “right” choice. You lose your confidence in your body – because it feels like it keeps failing you. And you lose direction.

Then you lose your sense of self. You don’t recognise the thoughts you’re thinking, which are all worst-case scenario. You can no longer do the things that used to be fun. You can’t control your emotions and reactions to the different triggers you’re being exposed to.

And finally, your self-respect leaves the building. The way you speak to yourself is horrible. You continually blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault, and you punish yourself for things that are not in your control.

Are you there yet? If you said yes, you’re definitely not alone.

When you get to this point, you tend to do either of these two things –

1. You do nothing, and suffer in silence. You keep telling yourself that you’re just over-reacting, that you just have to endure it, that it’s too hard to deal with right now, and that this will all pass and go back to normal once you get pregnant (it doesn’t btw), OR
2. You repeat affirmations and try to think positive thoughts, practice gratitude, and throw all the toxic positivity you can think of, at the problem.

If you’ve done either of those, you probably know by now that this doesn’t work (otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this).

But the reason why this doesn’t work isn’t because you’re not trying hard enough, or working hard enough, or doing it right (this is just your lack of self-respect talking).

It’s because of a concept called the backwards law. You can read a little more about it in this BLOG, but the general premise is that the more we try to feel a certain way (like confidence, or hope, or calm), the less likely we are to feel it.

So what does work, and why is this important for you right now?

Firstly, it’s important because you want to feel hope, right? As much as you say you don’t (this is a self-protection mechanism), deep down you do.

And what does Hope have to do with your self-confidence, self-respect, and sense of self? Because these are all connected.

Contrary to popular believe, Hope isn’t just a fluffy emotion that makes you feel warm and tingly and excited for the future.

Hope is a cognitive process. It’s a way of thinking. And it’s driven by the achievement of goals.

Which is why your hope falters the longer you’ve been on this journey. Because when you set that goal of getting pregnant each month and it doesn’t happen, you lose your self-confidence, your self-respect, and your sense of self. You no longer feel like your body is capable of getting pregnant, and it all feels so hopeless.

In order to feel more hopeful, you need to get back your sense of SELF.

Whoa – is that all? That may seem a little too overwhelming right now, but it’s possible, I promise. And it’s easier than you think.

I’m going to share with you an exercise that can help you with this. And it has nothing to do with changing the way you’re feeling, changing your personality or who you are, or by doing MORE.

It’s about embracing your humanness – all of it! That includes your faults, and your personality traits that may seem annoying or been seen by the rest of the world as “negative”.

Because when we’re able to accept every single character trait we have without judgement, there is freedom. There is relief that comes when you don’t have to struggle to change, to be better, or to be different.

What happens then, at that moment of acceptance, is that we’re able to experience shifts. There is no longer a separation between who we are and who we think we should be.

Our sense of self is more defined, because we’re no longer trying to change.
Our self-confidence comes back, because we’re not failing to be someone different.  
Our self-respect comes back, because we’re no longer in self-punishment mode, and we’re being kinder to ourselves.

So how do we embrace ALL of our traits?  By reframing them to see them from a different angle.

Let’s use some examples of the most common traits that may be seen in a negative light. Have you ever been told….

1. You’re being so dramatic. This could also mean that you’re passionate, there is zero ambiguity, you are either all in or all out, and people know where they stand with you.
   
   
2. You’re being too emotional. Which also means that you’re sensitive, and you care deeply, you’re in tune with emotions, you are vulnerable which is incredibly brave, and you have strength, because it’s hard to show your emotions in public.
   
   
3. You’re such a control freak. This means that you know what you want, you’re driven, you’re motivated, you’re organised, and goal oriented.
   
   
4. You’re crazy. Which can also be seen as colourful, passionate, interesting, unique, that you’re deep and have many layers, and you’re not simple.
   
   
5. You’re such a perfectionist. Which essentially means that you know what you like, you have high standards, and you respect what you’re doing,

Why don’t you do the same. List out all your personality traits, including the ones you don’t particularly like. And let’s reframe them so you can see them differently, and rebuild that relationship with yourself.

Because that there is nothing wrong with you.

It’s not about having to change who you are – you are incredible.

It’s embracing all parts of you.
It’s meeting ourselves where we are.
It’s having a laugh at yourself.

And waving the crazy / emotional / controlling / perfectionist flag. Let’s claim that sh*t!

The way we gain back our self-confidence, sense of self, and self-respect is to stop tearing ourselves down. It’s by unplugging from the narrative that says, in order to be good, we have to only embody the warm and fluffy traits.

And embracing our humanness – not just parts of it – the whole lot, warts and all.

Welcome to the club!