Dealing with judgement on your fertility journey.

I read some comments on a post over on Instagram the other day that were completely offensive to those who are trying in vain to have children via assisted reproductive methods. It made my blood boil, because it made me feel judged for the decisions I had made to create my family. Plus they were made by people who clearly had not struggled in this department, and who were commenting on something they knew nothing about.

We see it all the time, and I’m sure you’ve been witness to (or on the receiving end of) them also.

There are the dismissive comments, about just adopting (like that’s so easy!) because there are so many unwanted children out there. There are also comments about how surrogacy is a sin (who can forget the comment the pope made calling surrogacy deplorable and a grave violation of the dignity of the woman and child – to which I say – F*ck you!!). Or how IVF goes against the natural order of things, and maybe it’s just “not meant to be” for those couples.

And given the strength of social media these days, and how quick people are to provide you with their opinion, it’s hard NOT to feel judged.

The brutal truth is that people will always have an opinion on what you’re up to, and how you’re living your life. But the difficult part about receiving judgement or “advice” when you’re trying to conceive, is that you’re in such a vulnerable state.

Infertility has a way of stripping you of your dignity, your hope, your sense of self-worth, your view of the world, your future plans, your money, and everything in between.

And when you’re already on the ground, people making comments can feel like they’re just kicking you while you’re down. You’re impressionable, you’re undecided, and the future is uncertain, so it hits harder than it normally would. You’re sensitive to any comment about your ability to have a baby.

While this is a piece about judgement, I’m not going to tackle how to deal with the judgement of others. You see, people will always judge and make insensitive comments. And I have long since learned that you cannot change the habits and opinion of others. Yet we spend a lot of our time and energy trying to justify, educate and defend ourselves when it comes to our fertility struggles. But unfortunately, we usually come up short.

We’re trying to control the river, instead of steering the ship.

What I do want to talk about. however, is the judgement we have for ourselves. Because even in the times that people aren’t judging you, they’re just making an innocent (even if it’s naïve and sometimes stupid) comment, we can take offense to it. Because it activates something in us. And we can definitely do something about that.

I’m a recovering perfectionist and overachiever. There is no one who will judge me harsher than I judge myself.  If I put a post out on social media, and it triggers someone and they leave a horrible comment, I will beat myself up more than the trolls ever will. I can’t do anything about the trolls, but I can do something about the level at which I attack myself. And so can you.

Self-judgement is the way we think about ourselves, and the meaning we attach to those thoughts. And the longer you’re on this journey, the meaner we become, the more our thoughts degenerate. First it starts off as, this is a shitty situation, and then it slowly transitions into, I’m a shitty person.

We struggle being happy for those who get pregnant, so we think that we’re a horrible person.

We can’t get pregnant, so we think there is something wrong with us.

We can’t reduce our stress levels, or relax, or we didn’t start trying sooner, or we drank that glass of wine, so we think this is all our fault.

This journey really does attack our self esteem and sense of self-worth.

So the real problem isn’t that other people are judging us (that’s just an annoying part), the real problem is that we are judging ourselves.

Now, if you’re judging yourself for judging yourself, please stop and hear this.

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON. YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. YOU ARE SMART. YOU ARE CAPABLE. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND SELF-COMPASSION.

It’s easy for me to say this to you, but how do we cultivate that message in ourselves? How do we make THAT be the voice we hear, instead of the mean girl one? As always, I’m all about concrete things you can do, because we’re trying to create new habits here – and that can be hard.

So here are a few strategies –

1. Write a daily love letter to yourself. I know me just saying this may make you cringe, and feel a little uncomfortable, but this works. Elizabeth Gilbert (who I adore), started this movement and has a sub stack called letters from love, with ways you can tap into this and get some support through the process. Because our self-compassion starts with the way we talk to ourselves, so if you’re constantly tearing yourself down, this will help you switch the habit and the tone you use. It will open up new language, and a different way in which you speak to yourself.
2. Become confident in your decisions. We are forced to make some really hard (and expensive) decisions on this journey. And the reason why we feel so judged by others is because we feel like we’re making the wrong ones. It feels like we’re constantly f*cking up, because we’re not getting the end result that we want. So firstly, I want to remind you that there are no right or wrong decisions. We are merely making the best decisions based on the information we have at the time. And if you’ve done your due diligence, and have taken into consideration all the facts you have, you have made the right decision…..for YOU. Because you are the expert in YOU, and no one else.
3. Rest assured that you are doing enough. We live in a world where there is pressure to do more, be more, have more (I feel it every single day), and where busyness is seen as a way of life. So, it makes sense that we wonder whether we’re doing enough, or working hard enough at this. The problem isn’t always that we’re not doing enough, the problem these days is that we tend to do TOO much! In order to get sturdy in this, write down all the things you ARE doing right now (I’m sure it’s more than you give yourself credit for), make a few tweaks if needed, and accept that this is enough. You are enough.
4. Surround yourself with people who tell you that you’re doing a great job. If you’re hanging around with those who only criticise or tell you things you should be doing (which we can interpret as – you’re not doing enough, or you’re doing a crap job), it makes sense that your self esteem is crumbling. Who we hang around with matters. And if your support system isn’t up to scratch, get yourself some professional help – like a therapist, or a fertility coach, like me – who can cheer you on and remind you to be kinder to yourself every day.

And as that internal voice of yours becomes kinder, and louder, the quieter everything around you becomes.

Because your voice and your opinion is the only one that matters. You are the one in the trenches. So you get to choose how you walk this path.