Top 3 lessons learned on my Fertility Journey

There were so many lessons I learned on my 7-year path to motherhood.  And if you’ve read my book, The Injustice of Infertility, I share all of them with you.

They were all pivotal learnings, so it’s hard to pick just three of them.   But I have, and I want to share them with you (along with an excerpt of each lesson from the book) in the hopes that they will give you relief, direction and hope for your journey ahead. 

LESSON 1 – INFERTILITY INVOLVES GRIEF. 

“While the wounds heal over, the scars of infertility remain for life. What I didn’t know at the time was that we were experiencing grief. I had always thought that grief happened when someone died. So I didn’t believe I had a right to claim those emotions. But I did - because I was grieving that picture I had in my head of how my path to motherhood would happen. I was grieving the loss of myself to infertility. Later on, I was grieving lost babies. And I was trying to come to terms with the fact that bad shit happens to good people.”

For the whole time I was on my fertility journey, I wondered why it hurt so much and why I couldn’t just move past or gloss over my feelings. 

We punish ourselves because we think that a stronger person could get through this.  That there is something wrong with us because we can’t be positive. 

YOU ARE GRIEVING AND THAT IS WHY THIS IS SO HARD. 

And grief wears many hats and is NOT linear.  That is why you’re ok one day, and not the next.  That is why you feel intense sadness and don’t understand why.

So now that you know the reason WHY infertility hurts, how do you start the grieving process?  Everyone is different, however here are some tips that have helped me in various stages of my life –

1. We get scared of feeling our emotions because we think that if we open that lid, it will swallow us whole. It may feel more comfortable setting boundaries around your grieving.  Schedule it in – set time aside to grieve.  I know that sounds weird to schedule grief, but that’s how we live our lives now.  If we want to make sure we do a task, we put it in our diary and tick it off the list.  Otherwise you’ll procrastinate, because it’s not something that any of us want to do.
2. If you need some extra motivation, set yourself a reward afterward. e. if you do 1 hour of grieving, you can reward yourself with a massage or a walk in nature.  It’s also a safety net.  So, you know that you can feel the sadness and sit in it, and will be able to pull yourself out at the end.
3. Not sure how to get yourself into the “grief” headspace? I find that watching a sad movie can bring it on.  Or if you’ve been triggered by something lately – a friend announcing their pregnancy or an insensitive comment, bring it out at your grieving time.

LESSON 2 – YOU ARE NOT ALONE, NOR DO YOU HAVE TO SOLVE THIS PUZZLE YOURSELF

“You are not alone. I know this journey can be lonely and isolating. It will seem like the whole world is against you, and you will want to scream at the injustice of it all. But I want you to know that you’re not the only one that this is happening to. You don’t have to travel this path in silence. Reach out to others who have been through the same thing and gain strength from their stories of survival, courage and success.”

Not only are you not alone, but you don’t have to try to unpack or make sense of your emotions all by yourself.  I have coaches who come to me all the time, wondering why they can’t fix themselves.  It’s simple – you can’t coach yourself.  That is exactly why most coaches have coaches.  They need the guidance and support.  And especially on this journey where your emotions are high.  When your emotions are high, your intelligence is low.  You can’t see a solution to a problem when you’re sitting inside it. 

There is nothing wrong with seeking help or someone else to talk to.  Yes, your partner and girlfriend may be able to help, but getting someone who isn’t emotionally attached to the outcome is very helpful.  Someone who will tell it to you straight and has experience in the situation is extremely beneficial.  There are so many fertility coaches out there, so reach out and ask for the help you deserve.

LESSON 3 – THIS IS A CHAPTER.

“I know infertility seems like such a high mountain to climb. I know it feels like you’ve been trying to reach the top forever. And I know you can’t see the summit through the clouds. But you won’t feel like this forever. One day you will look back and be able to see that this is merely a chapter for you. This is not who you are, nor is this your whole story. There is so much more to your life than this small part.”

When I was on my fertility journey, it consumed every single part of me and it was huge.  So huge I couldn’t comprehend it.  And it felt like it would never end.  It was 7 years of my 44 years on this planet.  This is not your whole story.  You are more than your desire to have a baby.  Your life means more than this. 

Which is why it’s so important to stop putting your life on hold.  Prioritise your mental health now.  Put yourself first now.  Set some boundaries now.  Keep doing the things you love.

Because infertility doesn’t need to steal anything else from you.

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If you’d like to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Injustice of Infertility, and learn ALL the lessons from my 7-year fertility journey, click HERE.

AND if you’ve read the book and are ready to take these lessons to the next level and actually implement some positive action in your life, check out THE LIGHTHOUSE PROJECT.  A great way to prepare you for 2021 and create some confidence, calm and clarity in your life.