How do you get “ready” to do IVF?

It’s not something we pictured we’d do when we decided it was time to start our family. The decision to go down the path of IVF is not an easy one to make. For some of us, we resist it. We may have even been adamant when we first started trying to conceive that there was no way we would ever do it. But it is a harsh reality for a lot of us.

And while it may be seen as the cure for infertility by those who know nothing about it – I’m sure we’ve all been on the end of that comment “just do IVF”, we know it’s not a matter of “just”. IVF is not easy or certain by any stretch of the imagination. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. 

So how do you strap yourself in for the ride?

Firstly, you don’t have to feel excited that you’re doing IVF. Nor do you have to “want” to do IVF.  It’s such a hard space to be in. I was having a conversation with a client recently and she was about to embark on another round of IVF. She was telling her husband that she didn’t want to do it, and his response was “well don’t – it’s your choice”. And yes, you are choosing to do this, but when the options you’ve been handed are crap, shit, and fucked up, you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here. It’s ok to say that you would prefer that you didn’t have to do this.

And while we’re at it, you don’t have to feel hopeful either. You know that IVF increases your chances, but does not guarantee success. You are fully aware of the statistics. So, if you’re not jumping out of your seat and declaring that THIS is the cycle that’s going to change your life, that’s ok. Hope can make us feel a little exposed and vulnerable. It feels risky. And here’s a little secret that I want to share with you. Even though you may not feel an outward surge of hope, it’s still there, lurking underneath the fear. If you didn’t have hope, you wouldn’t be doing this in the first place. And that’s enough.

How do you feel ready to do IVF? My question to you is, what does “ready” even look or feel like? Is it an outward feeling of confidence? I have no idea. And if we don’t know what that looks like, how can we aim for it?

So, if we don’t need to feel excited or hopeful or ready, what should we aim for? 

Firstly, there is no right or wrong way to feel here. But for me, anything above negative is acceptable. I know for some of us, this feels like a low bar to set, especially if you’re an over-achiever like me. Plus, if you’ve read anything about manifesting or the law of attraction, there may be that little voice whispering in your head telling you that you need to be positive it’s going to work in order for it to work. But I truly believe that this puts extra pressure on you before you even start the process.

So firstly, let’s aim for neutral, and see where that leads us. Neutral is not – this is going to work. It is not, this is NOT going to work. It is – I don’t know if this is going to work, but I’m going to try.

And instead of aiming for “ready”, perhaps we aim for feeling “prepared”.  I prefer that language because it is more empowering and specific.

So how can you “prepare” yourself for IVF? Now this is my jam! This is what I teach in my 1:1 coaching program. I love helping women feel prepared for all the plot twists that come up along the way.

Here are a few tips –

1. What are your expectations of yourself? We go into IVF with a clear picture of how we want to feel and act. And sometimes those expectations are unachievable and unrealistic. Of course, when we don’t live up to our own impossible expectations, we punish ourselves. So, before you head into this cycle, write down your intentions here, and don’t forget to lower the bar. Perhaps the goal is not to be unaffected by all the ups and downs but to get through it.
   
   
2. Self-compassion. This is the one thing we forget along the way. I’m not going to sugarcoat it – IVF is hard. Show yourself some kindness for the path that has led you here, and keep giving yourself some grace all the way along. And remember that you don’t have to be perfect to get pregnant.  If you start punishing yourself for falling off the wagon in terms of your diet or alcohol intake, remind yourself of all the things you ARE doing.
   
   
3. Put some healthy habits in place before you start. Whether it’s a morning routine, weekly acupuncture appointments, or a gratitude practice, do something for YOU every single day. There are a lot of coping techniques and strategies you can implement (which is what I teach in my coaching program) to help you through this. Get them in place before you start, and make them second nature.
   
   
4. Get some support. As much as we don’t want to tell people what we’re going through, it does help to have a sounding board. If that’s just your partner, that’s ok. But have a conversation before you start, to tell them what you will need from them. What are the things they should NOT say, and what will you want to hear when you’re feeling like your hormones and emotions are out of control?
   
   
5. Have confidence in yourself. I know this is a hard place to get to because infertility really knocks our self-trust on its ass. But the truth is that things may not go according to plan along the way. We try to plan for all scenarios, but we don’t know for certain when our egg retrieval is going to happen, how many eggs will be collected, or what the end result will be. But if you have confidence in yourself, that if changes come up along the way, you’ll be able to work it out (because you always have), this is really powerful. It’s not about knowing that this is all going to be ok, it’s knowing that YOU are going to be ok.
   
   

So instead of struggling to get it right, make it smooth, or do it perfectly. Understand that IVF is messy and it’s unpredictable.

You don’t have to feel ready.
You don’t have to feel positive.
Nor do you have to “want to do this”.

Take a deep breath.

You have been through so much to get here already.  You have survived. You’re doing great (even though it doesn’t always feel like it).

And know that you’re going to be ok no matter what.