How to stop resenting the changes you’re making to improve your fertility

What’s the f*cking point?

I can’t wait for this to be done, so I don’t have to do this sh*t anymore.

Why do I have to make all of these changes, and no one else does?

It’s a narrative that slips into your mind a LOT on this journey, so if you’ve been saying these things to yourself lately, then listen up. Because this is going to shift the way you view the changes you’re making right now.

And when I refer to the changes you’re making, I’m talking about those regarding your health and lifestyle. The typical checklist that comes up when you type into your google search bar – how do I improve my fertility naturally? I’m sure you’ve done it a time or two 😊

But if not, it usually looks like this -  

• Modify your diet, so you’re cutting back on processed, in favour of fresh food.
• Move your body on a regular basis.
• Cut down / eliminate (depending on your source) your alcohol intake.
• Take daily supplements.
• Ensure you’re drinking 2 litres of water each day.
• Get enough sleep.
• Reduce your stress levels (which sometimes feels impossible).

And when you reluctantly implement these changes into your life, you placate yourself with the thought that they are temporary. This is merely a means to an end, and when you get pregnant, or when your baby arrives, you’ll go back to “normal life”.

But the longer it takes, the more you start to resent these changes. Because you’re doing the work. You’re doing what they said you should do, but you’re still not getting the result they promised.

These changes are seen as a sacrifice. A chore. An inconvenience that takes away your agency. Your fun. Your freedom.

So I want to share with you something that may be hard to hear.  I find the need to quote Gloria Steinham here as she famously said - The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

These changes and “sacrifices” you are making right now are not meant to be temporary. 

That checklist above is filled with things we need to be doing to take care of ourselves throughout our whole life.

And I know that because these are the changes I made when I was on my fertility journey too. And I hated the fact that I had to do these things, when others weren’t and were getting pregnant easily. So as soon we jumped off that fertility rollercoaster, I stopped. I went back to “normal” living.

Fast forward 10 years, and I’m approaching menopause, which means that my hormones are causing me grief again. The weight gain, the tiredness, the irregular menstrual cycle, the moods, hot flashes – it’s a ride!! But guess what you need to do when you’re approaching this period of your life?

Yep, all the same changes you make on your fertility journey! Like WTF?! If you don’t believe me, google - how can I help my body through menopause?

Which brings me to the original point again -  

The changes you are making right now, are not meant to be temporary.  

Our body is not temporary. We have it for life. And just like a house, this is not temporary accommodation that you get to knock down when you have a baby or get to the other side. Because when you do get to the other side, you are going to need that house with strong foundations more than ever.

I’m going to make a bold and potentially controversial statement here…

Our healthcare system is not designed to support woman. Historically, the majority of clinical trials when it comes to medications and treatments, have only involved men as the test subjects. And we know that the way a woman’s body works is a LOT more complicated than a man’s. So if the medical system isn’t going to support us, we have to take charge ourselves. Yes, it sucks, but we’re not here to debate whether it’s right or wrong, it just is.

And that starts with us reframing the way we view these changes, and adjust our goal. Because it doesn’t feel great to be filled with resentment and resistance. You’re already carrying enough, so let’s put that down.

The changes you are making are supporting and nurturing your body, and building sturdy foundations - not just to help you get pregnant. But to support you in sustaining that pregnancy, birthing that baby, caring for them once they arrive, and allowing you to age more powerfully – so you can enjoy the fruits of your labour.

Your mind and body deserve to be taken care of.

When it comes to self-care and nurturing your mindset and your body, or when it comes to healing, our work will never be done. 

We’re in it for the long haul.  So instead of approaching it like a sprint, let’s prepare for the marathon. And in order to run that marathon, the changes you make need to be sustainable. They need to be consistent. And you need to give yourself some grace and reduce your expectations.

Which is why I love the 80-20 rule….

If you’re eating fresh and nourishing food 80% of the time, that’s a huge difference.

If you’re moving your body 5 days a week, that’s progress.

If you’re drinking 80% of your daily water intake, that’s awesome.

If you’re getting to bed before 10pm, except for the weekend, brilliant.

If you have a glass of wine each week, instead of a bottle, you’re moving in the right direction.

We need to stop punishing ourselves for the things we AREN’T doing, and see the progress we ARE making.

As we hear all the time –

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO GET PREGNANT.

And it’s true. So let’s aim for balance.

Let’s view the changes we are making as a way to NURTURE ourselves, as opposed to a way to CONTROL our body.

Well – at least 80% of the time anyway 😊