Infertility and the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: How to Change the Narrative

If you’ve been on this fertility rollercoaster for a while, you’ve probably said something like this:

“I used to be such a positive person.” “I can’t imagine this ever working out for me.” “Everyone around me is pregnant.”

At some point, your mindset shifts. You start seeing the world through a filter of negativity and hopelessness. And honestly? It makes sense. When you're faced with repeated disappointment, your brain starts to expect more of the same.

The tricky part? That expectation actually reinforces itself.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Trap

Our brains love to be right. If we believe something to be true, we subconsciously search for proof that supports our belief. This is called the self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you believe:

• “Everyone around me is pregnant.” → You’ll notice every pregnant belly, every baby announcement, every post about motherhood.
• “I can’t catch a break.” → You’ll focus on everything that goes wrong, even the small stuff.
• “I don’t see myself having a baby.” → You’ll zero in on everything working against you—your age, test results, stress levels, missed supplements, that glass of wine you had last weekend.
• “Nothing ever goes my way.” → You’ll filter out the wins, even the tiny ones, and only see the losses.
• “I’m not handling this well.” → You’ll ignore the moments where you actually are coping, because you’re too focused on when you’re not.

The result? You spiral. You feel like crap. You punish yourself for things that are out of your control. And the worst part? You convince yourself this is just your reality.

But it’s not. It’s a narrative your mind has created.

Why Our Brains Do This

Our brains have a built-in negativity bias. This means they are wired to focus more on threats and problems than on positive experiences. This is great for survival—but not so great when you’re navigating something as emotional as infertility.

When you're constantly in a state of stress, your brain tries to prepare you for the worst. It’s trying to protect you. But instead, it keeps you stuck in a cycle of expecting bad news, reinforcing fear, and making it nearly impossible to see anything good.

Changing the Narrative

So how do you stop this cycle? How do you shift your focus so you don’t feel like you’re drowning in negativity?

You change the script.

Instead of reinforcing the belief that everything is awful and will never change, start looking for proof that things can be different.

Try these instead:

• “I do have people in my life who support me.” → You’ll focus on the ones who show up for you, instead of the ones who don’t.
• “I experience moments of happiness.” → You’ll start noticing those small, joyful moments.
• “I have a great life.” → You’ll remember the things that make life beautiful, even if this part of the journey is hard.
• “This could happen for me.” → You’ll allow yourself a little bit of hope.
• “I am handling this.” → Because you are. Even on the hard days, you keep going.
• “I can get through this.” → Because you will.
• “My body is capable of getting pregnant.” → Because even if it’s been difficult, your body is still trying, and there is still hope.

How to Practice This Daily

Shifting your mindset isn’t about ignoring reality. It’s about creating balance—acknowledging the hard stuff without letting it consume you. Here’s how you can start:

1. Catch the Thought – The next time you notice a negative thought, stop and acknowledge it.
2. Question It – Is this thought 100% true? Is there another way to see this situation?
3. Reframe It – Find a way to turn it into a more balanced or hopeful statement.
4. Write It Down – Keep a journal of positive statements and revisit them when you feel yourself slipping.
5. Practice Daily Gratitude – Even in the hardest times, there is something good. Training your brain to notice it makes a difference.

A Challenge for You

For the next week, pay attention to your thoughts. Notice when you’re reinforcing the negative. And instead of letting those thoughts run wild, try shifting them—even just a little.

Because your mindset isn’t just a reflection of your experience. It’s shaping your experience.

And you, my friend, deserve to feel something other than hopelessness. Let’s start rewriting that narrative together.