Dealing with "Failure" on Your Fertility Journey

Let's talk about something that comes up a lot—failure. A failed IVF cycle, a failed IUI, a failed pregnancy. I asked people on Instagram recently what they struggle with the most, and so many said the same thing: failure and the fear of it.

The Problem with the Word "Failure"

First, let’s look at the language you’re using. The word failure carries so much weight. It makes you feel worse because it’s attached to your self-esteem and self-worth. But let’s be clear: you are not a failure. The process was unsuccessful. There’s a difference.

Instead of saying “I failed,” reframe it:

• “The cycle was unsuccessful.”
• “The treatment was ineffective.”
• “It didn’t work this time.”

That small shift in language creates space between you and the outcome. Because the reality is—this isn’t all on you. So much of this is out of your control. The medication had to be right, the timing had to align, the sperm and eggs had to be good quality, implantation had to happen. It’s not you that failed—the process didn’t work this time. And when you separate the two, it stops attacking your self-confidence, which is directly tied to your level of hope.

What to Do When You’re at the Bottom

When a cycle, treatment, or pregnancy doesn’t work, it feels like you’ve hit rock bottom. It’s devastating. But you will pull yourself back up. Here’s how to start:

1. Let Yourself Feel It

Your instinct might be to push past the pain, plan your next steps, or pretend you’re fine. But if you don’t let yourself feel the disappointment, heartbreak, and sadness, those emotions will follow you. Avoiding them only delays the healing process.

Here’s something to remember: emotions only last about 90 seconds when you fully allow yourself to feel them. It’s our resistance to them that keeps us stuck. So sit in the discomfort. Cry if you need to. Be angry if that’s what comes up. Give yourself at least 24–48 hours to grieve before moving forward. This isn’t weakness—it’s how you build emotional resilience.

2. Rebuild with Routine and Boundaries

When you’re grieving, everything feels heavy. You don’t feel like doing anything, and that’s okay for a little while. But eventually, you need to start rebuilding. The easiest way? Lean on your routines.

• Morning & evening routines: Get back to the small habits that make you feel like you again.
• Protect yourself: Be mindful of what you’re consuming. If social media is making you feel worse, take a break. If certain conversations are triggering, set boundaries.
• Nourish your body: Eat meals that support your well-being, stay hydrated, and get outside for fresh air—even if it’s just for a few minutes.

These small actions won’t magically erase the pain, but they will help you regain a sense of control.

3. Plan What’s Next—When You’re Ready

At some point, you’ll start thinking about what comes next. But don’t rush this step. Right after a failed cycle, your emotions are raw. You might say things like, “I can’t do this again,” or “I’m done.” And that’s because you’re still in the thick of the grief.

Give yourself time. Then, when you feel like you have the energy, explore your options. Maybe it’s another cycle. Maybe it’s more testing. Maybe it’s a break. There’s no right or wrong answer—just what feels best for you in this moment.

How to Stop Feeling Like a Failure & Rebuild Confidence

A big reason you feel like a failure is that you’re measuring success by the outcome—getting pregnant, the number of eggs retrieved, having a baby in your arms. But those things? They aren’t fully in your control. And when you base your self-worth on an outcome you can’t control, it’s a recipe for feeling like you’ve failed.

So let’s shift the goalpost.

1. Focus on What Is in Your Control

Instead of measuring success by the outcome, measure it by your effort—the things you did do.

• You showed up for another cycle.
• You advocated for yourself at your doctor’s appointment.
• You prioritized your health and well-being.

Those are wins. Start focusing on them.

2. Track Your Wins

At the end of each day, write down three things you did that supported your fertility journey. They don’t have to be big. Maybe you:

• Got 8 hours of sleep.
• Took your supplements.
• Went for a walk.
• Ate something nourishing.

When you start tracking your wins, you remind yourself that you are taking action. And that builds confidence.

Most importantly, YOU are not a failure. A failed cycle, an unsuccessful treatment, a negative test—none of that defines you.

Give yourself permission to grieve. Then rebuild—slowly. Get back to your routines, protect your energy, and when you’re ready, figure out what’s next. And along the way, remind yourself of the wins, no matter how small.

Because you are moving forward. And you will get through this.