Losing hope, and how to find it again

Hope. It’s a four-letter word that holds so much promise, and is essential in life.  In fact, it should really be listed in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as a basic human need.

It’s the thing that most of us search high and low for while we’re on our fertility journey. People keep on telling us to just have hope, and we struggle to get it, and we fight to hold onto it.

And we need hope on our fertility journey. Because that is the thing that drives us forward. It’s the thing that allows us to stand back up after each setback. It helps us have courage, the emotional clarity, and the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

But here we are in December. It’s the time of year where we start to lose hope. In January we’re glad to be rid of the previous year, and we promise ourselves – this will be the year. So, we put our head down, and we try our hardest month after month to get pregnant. We put everything we have into it.  We sacrifice parts of our life, our time, our hard-earned cash, and our heart. And when December rolls around, and we still aren’t any further ahead, it hits us hard.

December is when we can feel ourselves falling into that pit of hopelessness.  And that is NOT a great place to be, because it’s connected to depression and can pose a serious threat to your emotional and physical well-being.

I felt it sneak up around this time every single year that we weren’t pregnant, and were seemingly no further ahead in terms of holding our baby in our arms. We didn’t have answers, we didn’t have a clear path forward, and it started to seep into every aspect of my life.

This led to feelings of despair.  It consumed my whole life.  My future seemed uncertain, and I couldn’t see a way out, apart from walking away and giving up. But I wasn’t ready.

I just wanted to have hope.  And so do all of the women I work with.  You wouldn’t be reading this either, if you didn’t want it too.

But here are the 3 biggest mistakes I see us (yes, me included) make, when it comes to having hope.

1. We don’t have a clear view of what hope is. Most of us think it’s a warm fuzzy feeling you get that helps you stay positive. But hope isn’t an emotion – it’s a way of thinking, built upon a process. Now, as a type A personality who is very process-driven, this makes me extremely happy and gives me a huge amount of relief.  Because we can all learn how to implement a process, right?!
   
   
2. Searching for the quick fix, and applying surface-level solutions.  Or as I like to call it – bandaids. We just want a quick way to find hope – and who could blame you? Given the fast pace of life, and our impatience as a whole, we want a quick solution and immediate gratification for everything. Heck, we just want to find a quick way to get pregnant too. So, we do a google search on “how to find hope”, and it brings up a whole lot of things you can do. From practising gratitude, to repeating affirmations, to meditating. And all of those are beautiful practices, but hope is not a quick fix – it is something that needs to be cultivated from the ground up, brick by brick.
   
   
3. We work hard to have hope. No one would blame you for this approach, because if you’re anything like me, you were taught that if you want something, you just have to work hard for it. More effort = better results. So we put our head down with the goal of hope, and we work our asses off to achieve it (much like you’re doing in terms of getting pregnant). But unfortunately, there is a little something called the backwards law (you can refer to THIS blog to learn a little more), that works on the premise that the harder you want to feel something, the further away it gets. We get so focused on feeling hopeful, that when it doesn’t happen, it all feels so…….hopeless. Yes, we’ve found the exact opposite of what we intended.

So, if those are the things that stand in our way of finding hope, what CAN we do?

We experience hope when –

1. We have goals that are realistic. The thing that knocks us on our ass time and time again is because we set one goal at the beginning of every year – to have a baby. And while we are in control of a lot of things on this journey, we are not in control of that ultimate outcome. So setting some smaller goals around things that we can control, and that are connected to our fertility, but in a way that supports our physical and mental health, and that are achievable, creates that first block.
   
   
2. We have a clear way of achieving them. Once we have that first block in place, we can create hope by having a plan in place. Drill down on things you can do to achieve those goals.  What are some concrete steps you can take to give you some guidance and direction?
   
   
3. We believe in ourselves.  Developing a strong belief in ourselves and what we can accomplish is the icing on the cake. Our self-esteem takes a huge hit on this journey, because we continually set goals that aren’t realistic. And each time we try and fail, we believe it’s all our fault. The path to healing our self-belief and self-confidence can be a long road, but it begins by starting at step one, and proving to yourself that you can achieve those goals. That you can move forward. That there is still good left in your life, and in you.

I know we get caught up on setting New Year’s resolutions, however, in my experience, they don’t work. They’re usually wide, and meaningless.

But creating a framework and path for hope is something that will help you increase your sense of self-worth, and lighten the load you’ve been carrying.

If you’d like to create your own plan for 2024, so you can move into it with hope for the future, and confidence that you can achieve what your heart desires……you can!

My 1:1 coaching program will provide you with the structure, the validation and the support to help you walk into 2024 with your head held high, and a skip in your step.

Want to feel more in control? Book your free 30-minute call with me, so I can tell you all about the program, answer any questions you have, and see if we’re a good fit.  It’s zero obligation, so if nothing else, it will provide you a space to be seen and heard. You can book a time HERE.

And in the meantime, you can find a little more information HERE.