Father's Day while going through Infertility

If Mother’s Day is the worst day when struggling to conceive, Father’s Day would have to be the second worst day.

And if you’re living in certain parts for the world (United States and Canada) brace yourselves, because here it comes…...  (if you’re here in Australia, you get a small reprieve - it’s not until September - but you can never be too prepared!).

The difference between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is the level of GUILT we feel.  For Mother’s Day it’s a deep feeling of sadness. 

For Father’s day….turn the dial up on guilt. It is quietly lurking in the back of our minds all the time.  But on that one day, it rears its ugly head and screams at us.

I AM THE REASON HE ISN’T A FATHER!

I AM THE REASON HE CAN’T CELEBRATE THIS DAY WITH THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS!

HE DESERVES TO BE A FATHER AND WOULD MAKE A GREAT DAD!

As women, we tend to take full responsibility when it comes to infertility. We blame ourselves regardless of how many people tell us that it takes two to make a baby.

It’s still our body that can’t ovulate, or create enough eggs, or get pregnant, or stay pregnant.

Sometimes the guilt is so heavy that we have THE conversation with our partner.

You know, the awkward one, usually after wine.  The messy conversation with tears and snot, where we release our husband so he can go and procreate and create babies with someone who isn’t flawed or broken.

The truth is however that your husband doesn’t blame you.

Plus, they handle their feelings and process thing a little differently than we do. 

Sure, my husband hated that we had to go through the shit we did to have a baby.  Sure, it sucked that he had to wait while all his friends were having babies and celebrating being a Dad.  But he wasn’t as emotionally attached as I was.  It didn’t consume him as much.  He was able to separate his feelings a little more.

Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t unfeeling, and I think he tried to remain strong for me.  But we’re different.

For us, Mother’s Day is like taking a bullet to the chest, but Father’s Day for your man, while painful and inconvenient, isn’t on the same scale. 

So, put down the guilt you’re carrying RIGHT NOW. 

I know you are, because I did too.

How can you release yourself from the guilt?

How can you make this Father’s Day feel a little less like he’s on the outside of a secret men’s society of barbeques, power tools and crappy ties? 

Here are a few tips:

1. Ask him how he feels about Father’s Day. Knowing our men, they’ll probably just shrug their shoulders and say its ok, but let them know you’re happy to talk about it. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that they don’t have to be strong.
2. You may like to spend Mother’s Day in bed with a tub of ice-cream, but he may not. You can ask him how he wants to spend the day, but if he doesn’t give you any helpful suggestions, plan a day outside in nature avoiding the usual Father’s Day breakfast/lunch venues.
3. Buy him a present. A bottle of his favourite scotch or a six-pack of beer. Why should he have to miss out on all the fun?
4. Take special care of him today. Not because you feel guilty, but because you love him and he deserves it.  Cook him his favourite meal or serve him breakfast in bed.

Father’s Day, for those yet to become a father can still be a celebration.  Of their strength, of their support and for everything they do for us.

I read a beautiful quote recently “A dad is someone who wants to catch you when you fall……..but instead picks you up, brushes you off, and lets you try again.”

Sound familiar?

Cheers to all the men in our lives who are fathers on the inside already.