Infertility in your 40’s

One of the most common sources of stress when it comes to trying to have a baby……is your age.

When my husband and I started trying to conceive, I was 33 years old.  It seems so young now that I’m closer to 50 than 40. But back then it was still a source of contention.  I didn’t think anything of it until we struggled to get pregnant. But when I googled it (as you do), my age was already seen as a deficit.

Which is why, after 6 months of trying to conceive naturally, we were referred to a fertility specialist. Because of my age.  Not my husband’s age – no one really cared about that.  It was my old eggs.

And that’s what happens, unfortunately. When there is no other obvious reason that you’re struggling to conceive or sustain a pregnancy, our age is usually blamed as the cause.

By the time I had completed my family, I was 39. I was breastfeeding on my 40th birthday.  It was not how I pictured it. And if you’re approaching 40 or are in your 40's and are still trying to create your family, it can be so disheartening.

We blame ourselves for not trying to conceive sooner.

It’s disappointing that in our prime years, we’re sticking ourselves with injections or having timed sex, instead of enjoying our life. 

I’m always brought back to Sex and the City when I think about my 40's.  I absolutely love that show, and those ladies rocked it. They showed us that we weren’t past our prime when we hit that decade, but we were in fact goddesses. These are the best years of our life was the clear message. I always remember – 40 AND FABULOUS!! because of them.

But when you’re faced with infertility in your 40's, this is far from fabulous, and we are not rocking anything apart from bloating due to an egg retrieval, weight gain from a loss, or mood swings from the hormones.  It feels like we’ve put our life on hold in our “prime”, all in the name of reproduction.

So, if you’re in your 40's or they are approaching faster than you want, I want you to know that I see you. I know this is tough. I know it feels like time is escaping you, and you may be grieving every year that you’re on your fertility journey. It’s not fair, and this is not your fault.

Here are a few things you may need to hear right now.

1. Just because you are in your 40's does not mean it’s over for you. Whether this gives you comfort or not, women get pregnant in their 40's all the time. I have a support community for women who are pregnant after infertility or loss called Your Pregnancy Haven, and a large portion of them are in their 40's. It is possible.
   
   
2. If you’re blaming yourself for not trying sooner, let me stop you right there. What you are going through right now is not predictable. You did not have a crystal ball showing you that you would struggle, or that this would take so long. Remember all the reasons why you didn’t try sooner. They are all completely valid and you were making the best decision based on the information you had at the time. You made the right decision – don’t question that or yourself.
   
   
3. There are many reasons why you’re struggling to conceive that have nothing to do with your age. A diagnosis of PCOS, endometriosis, and male factor infertility (the list goes on) could be the cause. Don’t let anyone blame your age without running the proper tests first.
   
   
4. I always wondered, what will people think if I’m in my 40’s or 50’s with young children? I was worried about the judgement that would be bestowed upon me. Would people wonder if I was my child’s grandparent? I know that seems extreme, but if you’re thinking that too, let me share this.  I have never come across anyone who questions my age when they look at my children. And I am not the odd one out. The majority of people I hang around with are women who have had children in their 40's. It is not something I am ashamed of – in fact, I’m pretty f*cking proud of it.
   
   
5. If you’re also wondering, how will I be able to handle running around after a child if I’m old? I had that fear too. I desperately didn’t want to be an old mom - all I could see were the disadvantages. But being a more “mature mom” is pretty cool, and has a whole lot of advantages.  You can check out THIS BLOG to read all about them.
   
   
6. It may feel like you’re wasting the best years of your life or putting your life on hold, just waiting for the main event – i.e. your life with children to begin, but you don’t have to. It is possible to live your life AND be on this journey.  And I know that’s possible because that’s what I do in my 1:1 coaching program. I teach you how to take back control of your life, and it works!
   
   
7. While doctors may blame your age for potentially poor egg quality, there are ways to improve it. I think about the quality of my eggs in my 20's and early 30's and cringe. Smoking, drinking excessively, pushing my body to look a certain way by pounding it at the gym, not getting enough sleep, and eating fast food was the norm for me.  But luckily that is reversible. Depending on where you get your information, our eggs take approximately 3-4 months to mature, and in that time, we can make some positive changes that will help. You can read THIS BLOG for more on that.
   
   

But more than anything, I want to encourage you to release the hold that the ticking clock has on you.  It can feel like a time bomb, just waiting to explode. Put that bomb down. Release the pressure.  I know this is not how you pictured it, but sometimes that picture limits us.

You are still fabulous. And you deserve to celebrate the fact that you are here, you are 40, and you are showing up every single day.

Because I am celebrating how amazing you are.