This is not your fault – and here’s why...

We live in a world where it’s more important to find out who’s fault something is, rather than how we solve the problem. We point fingers, assign blame, and unfortunately get wrapped up in hate and judgement. That’s the outside world, and unfortunately, we can’t always (ok, probably rarely) change it. But this is exactly what happens inside us too.

The longer we are on our fertility journey, the more hate we feel……toward ourselves. It can be such a battle field. As women, we are seen as the gate-keepers for creation, which means that we get asked about our lady bits and how they are working a lot more than our male counter-parts. Which means that we feel a huge amount of responsibility when it comes to having a baby.

And that leads us to blaming ourselves for things that aren’t our fault.  

In my experience (both personally, and in working with my clients), these are the common things we blame ourselves for on our fertility journey (yes, it’s a long list)…..and why this is not your fault.

We blame ourselves for not being perfect. For having that glass of wine, for missing a day of exercise, for being inconsistent with our water intake, for not getting enough sleep, for stressing too much, for having negative thoughts. The list goes on.

But I hate to burst your bubble. Perfection is a unicorn. It doesn’t exist. We are not robots – we are human, which means that we aren’t perfect. So, if you’re blaming yourself every time you step off that line (because that had to be the reason why you’re not pregnant this month – it’s not btw), you’re essentially blaming yourself for not being perfect (which doesn’t exist), and being human (which makes zero sense).

We blame ourselves for not being positive, or more hopeful. I’m a realist, so I’m going to tell it to you straight. This toxic positive bullshit has to stop. It makes me want to run for the hills. Yes, we all want to feel positive and hopeful, but we need to be real here. Infertility is f*cking hard. It’s like being in a boxing ring with an opponent who is bigger and stronger than you. You keep getting punched in the face and knocked to the ground. And then at the end of the match, you blame yourself for not being more positive or hopeful while you were on the ground. Because that was the reason you lost, not because it was an uneven match.

Simply put, your attitude is not the reason why you are not getting pregnant. Our fertility is based on science, and a little more complicated than “just thinking positively”. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that there is a mind-body connection (I am actually a certified mind-body practitioner), however we need to find balance. And the more you try to feel positive and hopeful, the less likely you are to reach it. So put that bag of self-punishment down right now.

We blame ourselves for our diagnosis. If you have endometriosis or PCOS, we assume the fault. We say – I am the reason why. But here’s the most important thing that we tend to miss in our guilt driven self-punishment spiral. The cause of endometriosis and PCOS is unknown. And there is no known way to prevent them. So, not only did you not cause this, but you could not have prevented it either.   

Therefore, your diagnosis is absolutely not your fault, because this was something that was completely out of your control.

We blame ourselves for starting too late. If I had a dollar for every fertility doctor who blamed their patients age, for why they are struggling, I’d be a millionaire. It’s no wonder that we take on the responsibility and berate ourselves for every decision we made up until this point. But the truth is that women have children over the age of 40 all the time! And you have no idea (and nor do your doctors), that your situation would be any different if you had started earlier. Women in their 20’s can have fertility issues too. You are essentially blaming yourself for not having a crystal ball, and knowing that this would take so long.  You’re blaming yourself for not being ready earlier, for not meeting your partner sooner, for not deciding to become a solo mom earlier, for establishing your career or wanting to travel the world before settling down.

We all make decisions based on the information we have at the time. And that’s all that we can do. So please stop blaming yourself for not having a crystal ball – because no one does.

We blame ourselves for a pregnancy loss. It happened inside our body, and on our watch, therefore it makes sense that we feel responsible and blame ourselves for this. I did too. We over analyse whether it was because we had a cold, or because we pushed ourselves a little too hard in that workout, or because we were stressed out at work. But there are a lot of things that can cause a loss, that have nothing to do with you (or the things you’re silently berating yourself for above). And even it if was because of a hormone level that wasn’t right, or chromosomal issues in the embryo, you did not knowingly cause that. If your doctors didn’t know, how could you possibly know?

We blame ourselves for things that we assume affected our fertility, without having proof.  We blame ourselves for not treating our body with kindness when we were younger – for drinking, smoking, doing drugs. We blame ourselves for having a termination when we were younger. We blame ourselves for being on the pill too many years. For doing triathlons, for working too hard, for stressing too much. The list goes on.

But all of these things are based on assumption. Because you don’t know that a different choice would have resulted in a different outcome. You assume things would have turned out differently if you hadn’t been on the pill for 15 years straight before trying to conceive, or had a different lifestyle. But your fertility struggles could be completely unrelated to all of these things. It could all just be a big coincidence.

Which doesn’t make us feel comfortable when we keep getting told that “everything happens for a reason”. It makes us feel out of control. Because if we don’t know why, how can we fix it? But here is what I know for certain - we don’t fix it by blaming ourselves.

And then if all of that wasn’t enough, we blame ourselves for not being able to “cope better”. For not being stronger. For not wanting to go to our friend’s baby shower, or crying when we see a pregnancy announcement. For not being able to process the heavy emotions and being so emotionally unstable. For yelling at our partner. For pulling away from our social circle because we feel so raw and triggered by everything about them. The list goes on.

What you are going through right now, is one of the hardest things you will ever go through in your life. Those who haven’t experienced infertility or pregnancy loss may think I’m being a little melodramatic right now. But those of you who are in the thick of it, will agree. THIS. IS. TOUGH.

And we weren’t taught how to deal with this. All we’ve been fed our whole lives is toxic positivity bullsh*t – we need to smile and be positive, even if we’re crumbling inside. We’ve been taught that we need to put other people’s emotions and happiness before our own (which means we’re told to go to that baby shower regardless). It’s declared that sadness, and anger, and envy are things we shouldn’t feel. And because of that, we’ve never been taught how to process the heavy emotions.

We live in, and have been raised in a world that in large, cannot deal with what you’re going through right now. But THAT is not your fault. And nor are the other things you’re currently blaming yourself for.

BUT…..while it is not your fault, it IS your responsibility to change the things you can.  To release yourself from the things that are not in your control, and forgive yourself for the decisions you made that may have affected your current situation. It is your responsibility to reach out and get the help and support you need, so you can learn how to cope a little better.  And it is up to you to stop looking backward with regret, and start looking forward with curiosity.

Because you are amazing.

You did not cause this.

And this is not your fault.