What SHOULD you be doing to fall pregnant?

We get so caught up on what we SHOULD be doing in order to fall pregnant, that we stop doing the things we LOVE doing.

It happens gradually at first.  We introduce one thing we SHOULD be doing, and that doesn’t work.  So, we introduce another, and that doesn’t work either.  So, we introduce a whole bunch of things we SHOULD be doing.

And then one day we wake up and look at our life, and we’re doing a whole heap of stuff we don’t want to be doing, and spending a crap tonne of money to do it.

Then we wonder why we’re so unhappy.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone.  I did it too.  Here are a few things we think and do on our fertility journey, because we’re told we SHOULD -

I SHOULD cut out all alcohol and caffeine, because if I have just one glass or cup, that could be the reason I’m not falling pregnant. Plus, it’s a small sacrifice to make in the name of becoming a mother.

I SHOULD be doing acupuncture, even though I hate going and the thought of sticking needles in my body terrifies me.  So, you go, and lay on the table, stiff as a board, feeling a little sick to your stomach the whole time.

I SHOULD take a million supplements because everyone keeps telling me the supplements they took and it worked for them.  So, you spend hundreds of dollars on all the magic tablets and take so many every day that you gag your way through the morning and feel sick just thinking about it.  

I SHOULD cut out dairy / sugar / _______ because THAT could be the reason why you’re not falling pregnant.  So, you give up ice-cream, chocolate, cheese and all the other small indulgences that give you joy. 

I SHOULD be more hopeful. So, you fake being hopeful and say to your friends, oh yes, we’re really hopeful. And then you punish yourself every time you wonder “will this ever happen for me?” Because that MUST be the reason why you’re not falling pregnant. 

I SHOULD be more positive.  So, you start chanting affirmations that feel just plain weird, and that you don’t even believe.  It feels fake.  But you keep doing it, because if you don’t, THAT could be the reason why you’re not falling pregnant.

I SHOULD be calmer, because we all know that stress affects our fertility.  So, you google how to be calm, and find out the best way is to meditate.  You then proceed to download a million meditation apps.  But when you try to sit still and clear your mind, you feel even shittier.  Because you can’t turn your mind off from the horrible thoughts (mainly that you hate meditating and that this sucks so much). 

And after introducing all the SHOULD’s in your life, you have no time for anything else.  Between the acupuncture, the supplements, the frustrating meditations, the mind games, the meal planning and dreaming about consuming a glass of alcohol, a cup of coffee or a piece of chocolate, you’re overwhelmed and exhausted…….and frustrated!!

And then one day you wake up and wonder where all the joy in life went. 

The truth is, your joy disappeared in all the SHOULD’s you’ve been doing.

We get so caught up on what we SHOULD be doing or feeling, it's hard not to feel confused or guilty. We blame ourselves for not falling pregnant. It’s our body, so it must be something we’re not doing.

But the simple truth is that infertility sucks.  It’s a tough slog.  And you could do all the SHOULD’s in the world and still not fall pregnant.

Because you don’t have to be perfect to be pregnant.

I know that this news can be frustrating.  But it can also release you from the SHOULD’s and the What if’s you’ve been living your life by. 

What are you doing that you think you SHOULD be doing, that you hate?  If it’s causing you more stress than it’s worth, then have a think about what is more important.  It it’s making you feel good, keep it.

And as for your mindset and those thoughts and emotions. I want to give you permission to feel them all.  

BECAUSE IT IS OK TO FEEL THE PAIN AND THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.  That's why they were created - so you could feel all of them.

IT IS OK to say this is tough.  It is ok to feel overwhelmed.

When I look back on everything that has happened in my life – a divorce in my 20's, the death of my father and my sister – my fertility struggles are still the toughest path I have walked down.  I'm still recovering and healing from it.

IT IS OK to feel hurt when you see other families together, living the life you crave. To look at their happy faces and cringe at all the photos on your social media feed.

Every time a girlfriend or family member told me they were pregnant, it felt like a stab to my heart.  It hurt that I couldn’t be happy for them or share in their happiness.

IT IS OK to feel jealous.

To this day, I am still jealous of those who never had to fight to create their family. Who were able to enjoy pregnancy without feeling their boobs every hour to make sure they still hurt, or feel anxious every time they went to the toilet, secretly praying there would be no signs of miscarriage.

IT IS OK to be angry.

I still cringe at the injustice of it all.  Why I had to endure 7 years of heartbreak, when others were handed their families without pain.  While I am grateful that I learnt so much and it allowed me to find my purpose, it still pisses me off.

IT IS OK to be disappointed.

I was disappointed I had to use a surrogate. I was disappointed in my body for not being able to do what it was supposed to do – what other people could do so easily.  I was disappointed that this journey had such a negative impact on my mindset, and I couldn’t just suck it up and carry-on life as normal.  That it consumed me.

IT IS OK to wonder whether you can keep putting yourself through this.  It is ok to be scared that this may all be for nothing.

My head and my heart were in constant conflict.  My head was telling me to stop, but my heart was telling me, just one more time - this could be the one. There was a moment after our first miscarriage, when I was terrified that our surrogate (my sister in law) wouldn’t want to keep trying.  I hated that we were putting all of us through this, but I couldn’t stop.  I wasn’t ready.  But I questioned every single day whether we should just give up.

IT IS OK to feel like you don’t fit in, like you’re on the outside of the baby making club.  A club that you’re desperate to be a part of.

I felt uncomfortable around babies for a very long time, and completely alone. No one could relate to what we were going through. So, it was all uncomfortable.  It hurt to be around my friends who had children.

And most of all......IT IS OK TO HATE THIS SEASON YOU’RE IN.

It is ok to feel ALL of this.

It doesn’t mean you are weak. What it proves is that you are human. And being human is definitely a good thing to be.

Just being honest with ourselves and allowing these feeling without guilt, can unlock so much.  It can release you, and lighten the load.

If you’re feeling defeated and are looking for a way to navigate your way through the toughest thing you’ve experienced to date.  To lighten the load you’ve been carrying for too long. 

THE LIGHTHOUSE PROJECT is for you.

Small steps you can take that will have a huge impact on your ability to keep moving forward.  Gentle guidance and small tweaks that will give you instant relief right now.   

Learn more here.